Falling Off the High Wire

I don't know how to balance. I want to be Mom, I want to be Special Needs Advocate. I want to be Writer and Wife and Young Women's Leader. Friend. Daughter. Sister. I want to be The Nice Person in Line. I want to be the Go-To Girl. I want to pick up the slack if you are unable to. I want to make your life better somehow.

I'm not insane enough to think that I can do it perfectly. I'm not even tempted to try! I just want to do my best, and shouldn't that be good enough? That said, I have cried every single day, at least twice, for the last four days. I'm used up. I'm worn out.

And...just as I wrote that, Niko fought his way into my lap, and Nina gave me a open-mouthed kiss on the cheek. I think they're telling me that I'm doing something right. :)

The Twilight Zone

So why is it six in the morning, and I'm at the computer? With Nina on my lap? And Niko playing Katamari Damacy? What is going on here?

I can't explain it really, unless we all fell into the Twilight Zone.

For the last four nights, my kids have been popping out of bed at the strangest of times. Two? No biggie. Sleeping in until nine? Why not! So this morning Niko wandered sobbing into our room. He didn't want to lie down. He didn't want to be held. He wanted to start the dishwasher. At, you know, 4 AM. And his crying woke Nina, who has been begging for Winnie-the-Pooh's 1-2-3 for the last half hour. So 4:30 and the house was in full swing. We all bundled up and dropped Luke off at the bus stop, in case I get another call from Niko's school. He acts out when he's tired, so I'm prepared. And yes, he's definitely going to school! Being tired does not excuse us from our responsibilities. I have a full day and then Young Women's New Beginnings tonight, and I'm sure I'll be bleary-eyed, but present.

I was up until 1:00 working on queries and things that I can't do when the kids are awake. Printers and unblemished paper are a siren call for my kids. I had more to do, but the printer ran out of ink.

Typical. :P

Celebrities

These are my thoughts on celebrities: I'm tired of them.

I'm tired of actresses thinking that they're political gurus. I'm tired of actors openly attacking religion. I'm tired of rock stars and their lame behavior. I'm tired of the excess, and the loudness, and their belief that somehow "the little people" care about what they have to say. Their reality is not my reality. I'm sorry if economic times are tough and they have to tighten their belts by waiting until next week before buying their fourth house.

But I love to see their gowns. :)

Good news: It's raining, which always makes me happy. I think that I have become more Vegas than I previously thought, because anything below 70 degrees makes me run for a sweater. (I know, right? And we lived in the land of ice and snow!) It's 60 degrees right now, and I'm bundled up like an Eskimo. Oh, the shame.

Even better news: My old Seattle cohorts got together to recreate our old discussion group. Since we've all scattered to the four corners of the earth ("Scatter! They can't get all of us at once!") they've set it up online. I can't wait to reconnect with these down-to-earth, talented, intelligent women. They're amazing, and I'm giddy to be associated with them.

I received three agent rejections in the last 48 hours. So not only do I have rejections from magazines, but now I have agent rejections, as well! Double the rejections! It's a bit disheartening, but I really believe in my story. It's a tale of hope. Good things are also coming from this, as always. Nothing has ever come easy, and I've always learned a lot from working my way through and paying my dues. This is what I want the most, and it's worth the effort. I know I'll appreciate it more after the sweat and the toil.

The other thing is that I'm getting this amazing support. From Luke, of course. From my friends. From my writing group and the writing and editing community that I've hooked up with. They tell me to chin up and check out different avenues for me. These are the nice things that I'm going to print out and paper my walls with. Rejection is wearing, but people are good and genuinely want to help each other out. I'm grateful. It feels like a net underneath me, when the rest of this is so frightening.

Oh. No.

Hello, I am alive. Yes, it is true! It is also true that it's four in the morning and I'm posting on my blog! Why? Because I am absolutely nuts.

Niko crawled into bed with us tonight, and I can't go back to sleep. I also realized that when I step on the pergo in our bathroom, I'm feeling wetness from between the slats. So I've been looking up "water damage" and "replacing pergo flooring" and "why, oh why, does this sort of thing always happen to me?!" No, I didn't really look up that last one, although I did google "Run away, screaming," and then hardy har harred for a while because of it.

The nurse's office called the other day. Niko had bit that same aid (remember the black eye two weeks ago?) through his shirt and had broken the skin. They called me to come get him because he refused to let them rinse out his mouth. Naturally, I had the "I don't have a car, let me make a zillion phone calls!" panic (this is where my mother interjects A Loving Silence Heavy With Meaning, but no, we can't swing another vehicle at this time) and since Luke was in town, he came home. We tried to meet with the Principal, but she's out of town at the moment.

Here's the thing. Niko has never hurt himself by headbonking, and suddenly there's a "headbonking incident" that gave him that nasty shiner. And then he out of the blue bites this same aid less than a month later? He has been behaving so well! Not saying that this aid is acting inappropriately with Niko, but obviously something is going on. Perhaps he's acting in a way that Niko just doesn't like, or Niko just doesn't like him, (which I've never seen before) but the end result is that only one new thing has been introduced in the last few weeks, and it's (gasp!) this aid. I don't understand the Principal's policy of shaking up the status quo, which is why I want to talk to her. They switch aids, and my son's coming home looking like he's been scrapping in the schoolyard. When the nurse told me that the aid had to go to Quick Care because of the bite, I was sorry, of course. I laud anybody that chooses to work in a school. But the aid is an adult. Niko is a five year old boy who doesn't fully understand at the best of times. I think he's the one that needs me to speak for him.

I say this courageously, but inside I'm dying. Please don't let this be last year all over again. I don't know if I'm strong enough to go through it a second time. It's my worst nightmare.

On the writing front....well. Things were going well, and then not so well, and then I made a rookie mistake because I have too many things on my plate and I'm completely overwhelmed. Hence "Running away, screaming." More about that on www.abrokenlaptop.wordpress.com. It's just painful, really. But I'll learn from it, yadda yadda .

Oh, and I ran out of Coke today, but only for a few hours. My weeping and wailing and gnashing of teeth prompted my husband to haul the family out to the grocery store. Now I have 10 liters of it, and I'm very, very happy. I like to open the cupboard and see my back-up bottles standing sentinel in their bright, shiny glory.

Goodnight, er, good morning, all!

Hello, I Think That I'll Explode You Now.

"Do you remember the Great Marshmallow Fiasco of 2009?"

"Do I?! Man, I barely survived it!"

Corn syrup? Check. Unflavored gelatin? Check. Explosions involving glass bowls, lethal projectiles, and delicious marshmallowy goodness? Check, check, and check.

The best part about this whole thing was that just seconds before the explosion, I asked Luke to man the egg beater while I ran off to check the recipe. So after the sound of broken glass diminished, there was my sweet husband standing there in his business suit, covered with glass and marshmally goodness. And then he starts to laugh. Yes, ladies and gentleman, I married a man who became the Stay-Puft Marshmallow Man, and instead of freaking out, he laughed. He left me with cleanup while he ran to his meetings, for sure, but he was still guffawing as he ran out the door.

That said, I'm still undaunted. I'll try the recipe again later when I have the time. Maybe Thursday or so? I'm like a mad scientist in my lab. Failure? What failure? There will be homemade peppermint marshmallows in my near future, by jove!

So Now It's Flooding. And That's Alright, Too.

I love the rain! It makes me feel like I am home. I don't necessarily love the flooding in the streets, but it's manageable. I'm drinking hot chocolate and trying to figure out computer issues. All in all, not bad of a day. I'm sad that I'm missing my sister-in-law's baby shower (We love you, Ali!) but Luke had to go in for training, and we couldn't make it up north. Sometimes these things happen.

So Niko's brandishing a kitchen ladle and watching the rain. Nina is sick and down for a nap. I'm taking a break from query letters (curse you, query letters!) and I'm looking up homemade marshmallow recipes. I despise cooking, most of you know that, but baking and treats are completely different. In some other parallel universe, I'm a chocolatier.

Niko's eye is looking a bit better. I can't tell you the feelings that it triggered in me, seeing him come home hurt like that. I was flashing back to the abuse investigation from last year. I was talking to my friend and I told her, "I don't know if I can do this again!" She caught me in an extremely vulnerable moment, to say the least. And she said, "You can. And you'll probably have to. Niko is most likely going to be a target for the rest of his life." Well, ouch. But so true. She's absolutely right, and she said what I needed to hear. So thanks, Jan! I can pull myself together when I really need to.

I received some positive feedback on "The Boy Who Hangs The Stars". It's a tough thing, because it's in print (which is more desirable) but then nobody can read us unless they buy the anthology. I'm sorry in a way because I think it's a lovely story about friendship and hope, and I wish that you could all read it. But at the same time, not a lot of people buy books anymore. I could wax on about the sad state of the economy and how people don't read like they used to, blah blah blah, but who is really interested in that right now? Not I. Anyway, it was nice to hear that somebody liked it, even if it wasn't his usual genre. It made me smile a little to think of a huge bear of a man, a horror writer, pawing through a story about stars and feathery wings. Just goes to show that we can all use some whimsy, yeah?

The querying is tedious. (More about that at www.abrokenlaptop.wordpress.com.) But as soon as I get it going, I think that I'm ready to start thinking about another novel. Do I finish my demon one? Do I rewrite my second in the Ray series? Do I start the third, which I've been thinking about lately? Or do I veer off into something completely new and different? It's delicious. It's getting me excited about writing again!

A Land of Wonder

This is my front yard, and it makes me happy.

I wrote more at www.abrokenlaptop.wordpress.com.

Headbonks and Black Eyes

Another day, another phone call from the school nurse. Actually, it's been a while since the last few phone call fiascoes, where I think that Niko is dying and actually he needs a diaper change, or whatever. Apparently they switched aids today, and I have no idea why they would do that. Niko is like most children: routine is paramount. Switch it up and he goes crazy. In this case, crazy meant headbonking a new aid who wasn't savvy to his tricks, and said headbonking resulted in this black eye.

I completely feel that this school is different than his last school in terms of abuse. Or "possible abuse" or "suspected abuse" or "alleged abuse" or whatever it is that I'm supposed to say, since an investigation was conducted, some discipline was meted, and all of the rest that they couldn't tell me due to confidentiality. His current school feels very different to me, and they're quick to call if they feel it's necessary. (Twice this week, in fact!) But one thing that the school district dragged me over the coals for was not taking pictures of the bruising. So I've learned. Do I think Niko is being abused in his new class? Not at all. Not in the least. But here's a picture, anyway.

That said, I'm working on a rather gentle new story right now. Its working title is "Iris" and it's unfolding a bit differently than I had originally intended, but I'm pleased with it. Novels are a lot of fun, but short stories are beautiful, joyful things. Their brevity is refreshing.

I'm also a top ten finalist in the OTP writing contest! Woo hoo! If I win, I'm buying a sewing machine! If I lose...I'm still saving up my writing money to buy a sewing machine, so yay! As always, I cheerfully yammer on at http://www.abrokenlaptop.wordpress.com/. I also had a piece go up today! Avert your eyes from some of the others if horror isn't your thing. It isn't mine, necessarily, but most of the pieces were tongue-in-cheek.

Oh! And this made me happy! Go see my friends' band site! http://www.athalastakesaim.com/. They're really fun to listen to, but even more amazing to watch. Read their blog. Wait, where is it that they're sending you? That's right! Hobnobbing with rockstars, people. :P

White Winged Butterflies

Niko and I have some sort of monstrous cold (As always). Luke and Nina managed to slide through relatively unscathed, knock on wood.

So I've been drinking hot chocolate and looking up butterflies for a story that I'm revising. I'm particularly interested in the Appias Albina, because it's wings are so translucent and lovely in the pictures that I'm coming across. Simply stunning. Do yourself a favor and look them up. I'm so pleased that such things of beauty exist in this world.

Today...

I'm going with my husband to see Atlas Takes Aim and Hello! Astro play. Rock on!

I talked to an author for half an hour about querying, and received some awesome advice. And he didn't bite. www.abrokenlaptop.wordpress.com

Niko crawled on my lap and cried before climbing carefully onto the school bus.

I decided to jettison the negative. Sometimes things. Sometimes people.

Nina, wearing a pink dress and pigtails, tried to dress Jack Skellington in her purple heart pajamas. She also carefully combed his bald, skully little head. I think I saw him smile.

I'm going to drink Coke Zero until I explode, because I've earned it.

Two Ships Passing in the Night

That's what Luke called us. As soon as he gets home tonight, I'm running for the door. He'll actually be running for the door, too, but he has to bring the kids along, since Leader Training takes precedence over Church Ball, the Brawl that Begins with Prayer. Maybe if he has the kids, he won't manage to get hurt this time.

Actually, I'm not holding out too much hope for that. :P

I've been throwing myself into researching agents lately. It's hard work, quite honestly. It feels like I'm in college again, working on research papers where you have to familiarize yourself, and make notes and document. It's something so daunting, but it's becoming easier. I'm definitely getting a handle on it. I want to work hard and make sure that I'm picking agents that fit well so that I'm not wasting anybody's time.

Nina's coming down with a cold. She's pink cheeked and runny nosed and super snuggly. "Uppa, uppa," she says, and holds her arms out. I realize that I'm missing Niko right now. He has been so sweet lately, really taking on the big brother role. Nina goes to put something strange in the dryer, and Niko will take it from her and bring it to me. Never mind that just three weeks ago, HE was the one that wanted the tennis ball in the dryer, oh no! He's outgrown that. He's a man now. Tennis balls don't go in the dryer. He's become the Dryer Nazi.

Still no speaking. Still no sounds. I'm frustrated at his regression. I'm frustrated that nobody has brought it up to me. Where are his "mamama's" and his "dadada's" that he used to do at 18 months, but he won't do now? I dislike the idea that he is "trapped" in this body. In fact, I fight against that quite a bit. He expresses himself. We can figure out what he wants. But maybe I'm in denial. Maybe he really does wish to tell me things that I can't figure out. Maybe he saw something at school that he would like me to explain, but he can't ask me about it. It's too much to think about sometimes.

So I'll focus on the fact that he is extremely loved, and I can tell that he knows it. Speech will come; we'll just have to keep working and praying and hoping.

I Hate Mornings.

This is how my mornings began the past two days.

Yesterday was The Dream.

Me: Luke, I just had a strange dream.

Luke: Mmmm.

Me: I was on a tour bus, and there was a kennel with little tiny dogs and two kittens. Kittens, Luke.

Luke: Kittens.

Me: Yes. Kittens. Anyway, this dark gray kitten escaped, and I befriended an angsty teenager while trying to find it. And I open this door, and this room is full of kittens. Full. This woman was buying them by the bagful. Bags of kittens. I was trying to locate this particular kitten in this roomful of sweet, warm, cuddly, playful baby kittens.

Luke: That's...not anything like what you usually dream.


And as for today...Niko has been crawling into bed with us at night. I'll wake up with his bony elbows in my side or he'll have clawfuls of hair. Last night he crawled in with us.

Then he threw up.

Stranger Valentines

My friend came over today, and although we see each other every Sunday (she plays with Nina while I teach the girls in Young Women's) we haven't had a chance to catch up in a Very. Long. Time.

It was a lot of fun. We talked about adoption and the school system and the election and Williams Syndrome. We talked about glucose allergies and her Master's classes and music and writing. We discussed Niko being five years old and never having said a word. We cheered her son about being four and playing the violin. It was really very nice.

In other news, it's almost Valentine's Day! And you know what that means!

"Yay, it means that you'll send V-day cards to us, trying to make up for the fact that you never sent Christmas cards!" you say.

Well, yes, that too. (And with a family picture!) But most importantly, it means cracked Valentines in The Stranger. I can hardly wait.

I don't have wings! Of course not. You're a boy!

We're all a bit under the weather and we're hanging around watching The Dark Crystal. I haven't seen it in years and years, but it's amazing how many lines I remember. This is my childhood, right here. Kind of opulent and whimsical and elegantly dark. This is a joy.

I have been SO frustrated on the writing front! Comes and goes, highs and lows, etc etc, but it's true. I've been mentally scattered, and it has been suggested that I keep a singular goal in mind. But if you want to hear about writing, there's always www.abrokenlaptop.wordpress.com.

After The Dark Crystal, I'll have to watch Labyrinth. Not while the kids are around, though, because Brian Froud in all of his creative splendor is still a little too scary for them. My gosh! When I was a kid? The Skexis with their whining "Hmmmmm" and bony bodies were mad crazy! Now I think that Jen looks a lot like Michael Jackson. Which...is its own kind of scary.

I'll be perfectly honest.

Sometimes I come to this blog site just to listen to my playlist.

That is all.

A Poem!

I took some images directly out of my Record of Dreams and made it into a poem. It was just accepted this morning, and is already running live. Rock on!

http://abrokenlaptop.wordpress.com/

But They're Healthy Cookies!

Niko's teacher sent home a note saying that he and Cookie Monster went down the slide five times. He has never gone down the slide at school, so "Hooray Cookie! Hooray Niko!" she wrote. I'm very proud of my curly-headed little boy.

After Nina's bath, I braided her hair into two tiny, inch-long braids. They were very sweet. Luke is still her favorite, but I'm a very close second now, which sure beats being chopped liver.

Today Luke informed me that the Nevada Nuclear Test Site is bigger than Rhode Island. He's full of cool little tidbits like that. We were discussing whether people on the east coast had the same concept of space that people on the west have. Growing up where I did, I'm very comfortable driving forever and seeing...nothing. The isolation isn't oppressive like it feels to some people. It's just comfortable and natural.

I currently have 39 pieces submitted to different magazines and anthologies right now, and if I can do one more tonight, it'll be a nice and even 40. But now that Luke is asleep, it might be a wonderful time to make some oatmeal chocolate chip cookies! He is being very good and eating delicious and healthy food. I'm craving sugar like a demon. But if I throw oatmeal in there, well, then it's practically health food, right?

I thought so. ;)

Things That Have Gone Wrong.

1) Crack in the windshield. It needs replaced.

2) Garage door mysteriously broke. It will not open.

3) Car died. It is now resurrected.

4) The fan and light blew out in our living room.

5) Water is now coursing out from behind out our bathtub faucet. This looks bad.



Things That Have Gone Right:

1) Almost everything else

Stand Back! That Little Girl Is Armed!

With a brush! Nina is constantly brushing her hair, Niko's hair, and my hair. Somehow Luke manages to escape her incessant grooming. Sufficeth to say that we're a houseful of beautiful, shiny haired creatures, thanks to her scrupulous care.

Speaking of hair! My friend is coming over tonight to help mine. I have...too much hair. Wild hair. The type of hair that deserves to be punished for its wicked deeds. My friend, former model and just devastatingly beautiful, perked up. "That's what my hair is like!" she chirped. (She's lying, she has to be lying!) "I'll come over, take the bulk out, and we'll style you like a pin-up." Well, all right! I'm looking forward to it. It'll be my reward for cleaning the house and doing productive writing things!

Speaking of, I have a new story that went up today. You can find the link at http://abrokenlaptop.wordpress.com/. It's a simple, sweet, and sad story. I had sent a poem to the editor of the magazine, who politely rejected it but asked for a short story instead. I sat down and wrote this right away, and I'm quite pleased with it. It makes my heart hurt a little.

Also, feel free to leave a comment on 52 Stitches, if you like. You certainly don't have to, but it's always fun to see. I'm trying to leave comments back, as well. Good cheer and good will make the world go 'round, after all.

Yesterday was a particularly lovely day, and I'm not sure why. I took care of the house. I critiqued two friends' stories. My children were no less obnoxious than usual, but I pulled them onto my laps and just loved them. They gave me sloppy, open-mouthed kisses. They loved me back. Luke came home and we were sitting there all snuggly-like, with a batch of fresh cookies cooling on the rack for him. The kids went to bed well, and Luke and I watched an anime. Not his favorite, but he didn't mind, and it made me happy. I told somebody the other day that life hands out shards of happiness, and it's up to us to cobble them together. I truly believe this.

Lots o' Randomness!

Ahhh, winter vacation is over and it's time for life to get back to normal. Who ever thought I'd be the kind of girl to say that? I'm extra thrilled that Niko gets to go back to school, which he loves. I wrote a catch-up note to his teacher, telling her all of the things that Niko picked up over vacation. He's learning to share. He's learning how to hug his sister without headbonks. (intermittently)

I received a comment on an old post yesterday that made me laugh. It was this post, comparing Niko's fits to a banshee on crack. It's still accurate. And the comment was timely, because on Saturday we took the kids to a pizza place that happened to have a little arcade area in the back. You know, the kind of place that we never frequent anymore.

Nobody loves a good arcade more than I do (hello, our daughter is named Nina. Tekken, anybody?) but Niko caught a glimpse of the flashing lights and went insane. Back arching, eyes squeezed shut, body tensing for what was going to be a long, drawn out battle. It was a noisy place, but he cut right through it like butter. I turned to Luke and I said, "You know, I am really embarrassed right now," and he nodded, teeth grit as he tried to hold Niko to calm him. Nina laughed and tried to feed him pizza. That girl is a rock, I tell you.

The pizza fiasco came after Luke and I ran a 10k that morning out in the desert. Correction: Luke ran it. I did my very best, which consisted mostly of trudging up the gigantic hills and running down them, trying not to die. Luke came back for me with a power bar so that I didn't turf it by the side of the road a mere two miles from goal. That's why I love him. It was so cold! I ran the entire thing in my hoodie, and didn't even pull the hood down until mile four. I was still getting over that awful cold that kept me in bed on New Years, and I have to admit that I started out in a pretty bad mood. Hence the picture, yeah? But after the race we were happy and tired, and we went out for breakfast, and a good time was had by all. I think that running makes me happy.

Yay, you can buy the anthology that I'm in online, now! They mention my story in the blurb, and I'm pleased that it's blurb worthy. It's all on A Broken Laptop.

I'm sorry if you're annoyed that I constantly send you off to my site. But it has a separate counter, and it's helpful to see how many people actually check something out. I'm sure that one fine day it can be useful for marketing purposes and all of that, but for right now, it's all about, "Yay! Somebody actually came to look, hooray!" It really makes my day. :)