Hiding

My father always said that the phone was for our convenience. Which means that if it rings two billion times a day, I'm under no obligation to answer it. And so I'm not. This is a healing time, and I'm focusing on Eskimo kisses with Niko, and making Nina giggle, and trying to get my health under control so that I can feel almost human. Go to the bottom of this page and click on the song "Sora". I am going to sink under the waves for a while and let all of the extra noise pass me by. My real friends know how to find me, anyway.

Black Hair

Niko Has Wheels

This month has been straight out of the Twilight Zone. For instance, we have one debit card that we weren't forced to cancel...and today we lost it in the mall. So we ran right home to cancel it. At least we were laughing, and I can see how bizarre it really is. "Remember the great May catastrophe of 2008?" we'll say. And shudder.

Thank goodness it's almost June.

Did I Mention That I Hate This City?

So I'm currently on hold with the bank. Although my cards were reported as lost or stolen on Thursday, somebody has managed to put more charges on them. A woman from my hometown called me regarding them. "Gol, Sade, I can see that your cards were reported as lost or stolen. I don't know how this got through!" Thank goodness she called. I am all kinds of mad, but that's another story for another time.

See how calm I am? This is me being calm.

I'd love to shove my wallet into their mouths and make them choke on it.

If It Weren't For Bad Luck

I wouldn't have any at all. My friend's husband told me this, and it comes as no surprise. Pisces are supposed to be lucky things, but somehow that has never applied to me. I think it's a family curse.

Most of Thursday morning was spent in the doctor's office because Niko's sweet cherubic breath had turned to something you'd find in a mausoleum. Turns out he had shoved paper up his nose, which is what you do when your leg is broken and you're incredibly bored. Dr. Dork enlisted my help to "blow it out" so that the "foreign object will shoot out of his nose like a cannon". Which. It didn't. Hijinks and hilarity ensued, and not everybody needs to know the details. Let's just point out that a mother's love is the strongest thing on earth, and Niko's nose is currently spitwad free. The end.


Later that day, I lost my wallet. I noticed only when two different companies called because there was suspicious activity on my accounts. I was livid. LIVID, I say. How dare these people?! How dare they use my credit and debit cards, and slime their greasy fingers over my driver's license? They have my temple recommend. It makes me slightly ill. We went to Andrea's wedding, which was beautiful, and I had to tell them that somebody vile was in possession of my wallet and my recommend. Luckily the stake president was home and was able to confirm that I did, in fact, have a recommend, and I was able to attend the wedding. Also, they can flag my recommend so that if somebody tries to use it, it'll come up as stolen. Which makes me comforted, and also makes me smile. I can't imagine somebody using my stolen recommend because they have the sudden hankerin' to worship God inside of our temple. Then I ran home to Mom and Dad, and my blood sugar went way, way up while my stress went way, way down.


I saw '80's mom for the first time in years. I hugged her so hard and we cried, and I didn't want to let her go. She showed me '80's grave, and it's cheery. I was taken back by how bright and joyful the whole cemetery was, and felt that her headstone and everything was just perfect. I felt some of the guilt leave. I think I'm almost free.

I have new rollerskates. The charming, four wheeled ones, not blades. While the rest of this city falls down around me, I'll be skating along lazily like a child. With black hair. All of this, it makes me very happy.

Last Hurrah

I had better start using my camera again. I want to get a picture of Niko in his wheelchair, and Princess Pretty Fingers pretending that she's drinking from my cup. I want to get more pictures of my red hair before I dye it black this weekend. I think that the red has run through my system, and I'm ready for a change. But only semi-permanent. When I've had my fill of that, I'm going to go back to blonde. I'm naturally a blonde, for those of you who have no idea.

And most of you have no idea.

I had lunch today with the old primary presidency. It was nice and a little sad, a last hurrah before one of us moves out of state. We ate delicious Italian in a fancy new kitchen and I listened for the "ssssssss" sound of Niko dragging his cast across the floor and into trouble. Nina was full of smiles, as always. I'm still not quite sure where she comes from, but I'm so very happy that she is here.

After lunch we rushed to Niko's doctor's appointment, and I was floored to hear that his bones hadn't shifted this time. So after talking to the doctor/wheelchair company/teacher/principal/nurse/transportation/early childhood department, everything is in place for Niko to go back to school tomorrow. I am very pleased, and we see the doctor again in three weeks for (hopefully) a walking cast.

Tomorrow is his sedated echo. (Hate them.) Next week is his dentist's appointment. (Hate them, too.) We have a busy weekend, driving back to my hometown and then attending a wedding for one of my oldest friends, then heading back. I am planning to visit '80's grave for the first time. I wonder how that will be.

Seven Things About Me

Thanks for tagging me, Andrea! I'll see you soon! :)

1. When I get completely mortified, I can keep my face schooled. I send all of my emotion down to my feet, and I curl my toes.

2. I have never seen Star Wars. More importantly, I don't ever care to.

3. I can make one eye look straight and the other one look at my nose. Flattering.

4. I harbor the secret fantasy of being a Rat City Rollergirl. Seriously. I have my handle all picked out. I'd be The Bloody Butterfly. And I would be GOOD.

5. My next big purchase is going to be an open holed flute. I'm upgrading.

6. I used to do pageants in high school. That's right. Evening-gown-wearing, bright-smiling, gluing-your-swimsuit-to-your-bum-so-it-doesn't-ride-up beauty...no, excuse me, SCHOLARSHIP pageants. I wasn't that great, but I know how to work a dress. Which really impresses the congregation, I just know it.

7. I always laugh at Jeremy Miller's quote on the McDonalds "Dollar Menuaires" commercial. "They live like money grows on trees...trees they can't find!" It's hysterical. I can't help it.

Aftermath

I talked to Niko's principal on the phone this morning, explaining why I called the school district. It eventually boils down to: No matter what it was that they INTENDED, the message that I received was "Niko is unwelcome." That message nearly undid me, and I am a strong woman. I needed somebody to talk to them so that somebody else doesn't feel the way that I felt. I certainly don't plan to pursue it any farther.

So there's two and a half weeks of school left. Luke feels that Niko should finish school there, and I feel that would be sending him into a hostile environment. I honestly don't know what to do. But isn't that usually the case? How much time do we spend honestly not knowing what to do? Next year he transfers to a different school anyway for kindergarten.

It's 107 degrees here today, which is inhumane. Nina is wearing a little red skirt with stars, and Niko has been so happy, and hasn't had any pain medication since last night. I bought these incredible dark purple stilettos the other day, and my goal tonight is to paint my toenails. You know, after everything else is done. That's been my goal since last Wednesday. Ah well.

I currently have seven pieces out. I'd like to have ten, including soliciting an agent for my novel this week. Such lofty dreams have I. But now that everything is settling down, these things aren't too far fetched. Hurrah!

This thing with the school, and Niko's leg, and the thing at church. It had become all consuming. It was like Niko was a baby again, and every day was spent falling asleep next to him at the hospital. It was like I told the principal. There is no day off. We are always working on something with him. There is no relief, so when school, which we count on to aid us, becomes part of the problem, it's almost unbearable.

I don't want to be this type of mother. I don't want to always be fighting. I would much rather focus on watching Niko and Nina playing together, or take them for walks. I would rather cuddle my children than set them down so that my hands are free for battle. I want to work on letting all of this go.

I want to be who I really am.

Oh, gosh.

I walked into the IEP and was stunned to find that the main person that I wanted to talk to wasn't there. Oh, come on! Can't we finally iron this out?

I talked to his teacher, who said, "Oh no! That isn't what we meant at all!" She, too, seemed a little taken back by the way that the whole thing played out, which was a relief. She is a kind, wonderful woman who has worked very hard with my son. He's enamored with her face, and I was loathe to think that somehow there had been a paradigm shift that put her on "the other side". What a relief to confirm that she is who she always has been, an advocate for Niko.

They could see how it appeared to me, though, and that is also a relief. The woman I had the most trouble with tends to come across poorly, they said, but she really isn't that way. I am very much hoping that when I talk to her, things will resolve. Without bloodshed. I have been ready to make heads roll, but my anger is quick to diffuse if I see that they're making an effort.

In other news, this was the most positive IEP ever. Niko has been doing well, and it was nice to hear that for once. Such a good kid, he deserves some good things in his life.

So the end result is that the IEP was a success. You might hear some tired cheering in the background. That would be me.

Battle

Tomorrow is Niko's IEP. Individual Education Plan, for those of you lucky enough not to deal with them. This is where we sit down with Niko's teachers, therapists, etc etc etc and basically do battle.

It shouldn't be battle, but it is. It's two hours of negotiating, of basically being told everything that is wrong with your child and brainstorming ways to help it. Can he climb stairs? Yes, so we're okay there. Does he still walk on his toes? Yes, so we need to work on this. Can he speak? No, so we need to do sign language. No, I don't want to do sign language, we already tried that. Ix-ne on the ign language-se. So how about picture exchange? I loathe picture exchange, but he is much more likely to do that than sign language. Are we all on board with picture exchange? Which pictures does he need? Who will provide the pictures? We need to do it the exact same way, so how shall we do it. On and on and on. It's very wearing.

I always dress for IEP. I don my armor. Tomorrow I will be wearing St. George slaying the dragon and my battle axe on a chain around my neck. I need to remember that I am Niko's voice. They have so many kids to worry about, and I am only concentrating on Niko, so I need to avoid being crushed in the machine.

This IEP will be different, though, because I need to discuss the way that things went down at school on Monday. I felt ambushed and unprepared for what they wanted to tell me, and springing it on me like that was not okay. Discussing it in front of my son was not okay. Niko was distressed when I broke, and that wouldn't have happened if I had received some warning. I want to handle this with an open mind and hopefully some grace, but they need to know that discrimination will not be tolerated. After the IEP, I am calling the school district.

I was so weary. I was so tired of constant disappointments and challenges, of all of these low things that are happening daily right now. I was exhausted by the appointments, the bad news with his broken leg, with the meds. It gets old to follow him around every day, trying to get him to eat something soft instead of dry-crunchy, trying to get him to dress himself and decipher what he's pointing at. I need a break. I'd sell my soul for a day at home without anybody here. But here's what I have decided.

Niko needs me. And really, that's all there is to it.

Update

Leg rebroken, reset, and recasted. No pins and no adverse reaction to the anesthesia. Niko is home, on Lortab, and we begin the six weeks of casting from square one. I'm very relieved that they didn't have to open him.

I have decided that today is a new day.

Sweet Child of Mine

So, when it rains, it....I'm too tired to finish the end of that sentence.

Niko has been doing really well, and we even flew to Boise for a family baptism. I was really hesitant about taking broken-legged boy on a trip, but it was good for all of us. He needed diversion and I needed a break. I also ran my first 5k, and have decided that it was a success. I couldn't run the whole thing, but I've been ill and have decided to be kind to myself. Even though there was a lot of walking involved, I am proud to have finished. It also renewed my dedication for my 10k in August. Along the Extraterrestrial Highway at midnight, btw. I'm going to run with a headlamp and googly antennas.

You know. As true aliens do.

We were excited to send Niko to school on Monday in his shiny new Super Wheelchair. I expect it to make Transformer noises as it changes from position to position. I called Transportation, and they sent a bus with a lift. We loaded Niko onto it and waved him off to school.

I get a call later from the nurse, saying that I have to pick up Niko. I am carless during the day, but thank heavens Dad was down and he drove me to the school. Then some kind of bizarre impromptu meeting occurred.

Niko's wheelchair didn't have a seatbelt, which constitutes as a safety issue. I'll definitely give them that! What five year old wants to sit down quietly? But suddenly it became a matter of: the doctor didn't send the correct note, and they didn't know exactly what his physical limitations were. Can he sit in his chair all day? "Yes," I said, but that was apparently the wrong answer. "Or you can lie him down on the floor, if that's easier," I said. But they can't LIFT him, they said, and it was like being tossed down the rabbit hole, where everything I said was being refuted. What IS this? The wheelchair is too big for the classroom, and it's bulky. It doesn't belly up to the table, and it doesn't have a tray. It isn't conducive to learning, and there are only a few more weeks of school left, so maybe I would just consider...

And suddenly I got it. I got it, and I would have understood it a million times faster if my mind wasn't mush from everything that has been going on. My child breaks his leg, and it is too hard to accommodate him at school?!

I'm standing there with Nina on my hip, and Niko gazing up at me from his wheelchair. I'm surrounded by three women who have always been so kind to my son, and I have to tell you that it felt like a betrayal. I thought a lot of things. I thought, "You want me to keep him home?" I thought, "Great, we just went through this at church!" and "If a typical child broke his leg, would you kick him out of school?" and a myriad of other things.

What I SAID was, "I am just so tired," and I started to cry. Score one point for The Nasty Cruel World, and zero points for Team Nikolai.

So we had an appointment with the doctor today, and I was going to get a note to explain EXACTLY what Niko could and couldn't do. I think the tears were a bit unnerving to them, and they definitely were to me. I am exhausted. I am sick. I'm seeing my own doctor tomorrow to see if my "little sugar problem" is going to be lifechanging or not. I am too weary to comprehend much right now. I don't know if I should run screaming to the district or if I'm somehow in the wrong. I have Niko's IEP on Friday (Oh joy) and I know that I'll definitely bring this up then.

Turns out that it really doesn't matter. Niko's bones have once again shifted inside of his cast, so in two hours we take him in for outpatient surgery. They'll cut the cast off, rebreak if necessary, rearrange, and possibly do pins. He won't be able to go to school anyway. What a relief for them.

My friends have been wonderful. One called our names in to the temple roll, and another is searching for the school district's phone number. Meanwhile I'm fighitng to pre-register Niko at the hospital (they won't accept it online, I don't have a car to drive there, and they haven't answered their phone since noon today) and playing Sweet Child of Mine on Guitar Hero to entertain Niko. Wish us luck. Again.

A Question for the Williams Moms

Which is what I call you in my mind. The Williams Moms.

One of the most exasperating things about Niko being flat on his back is that he always SHOWED me what he needed. If he wanted peanut butter toast, he...well, I was going to say that he got the makings of peanut butter toast. But in actuality he would brandish a butter knife at me, and I knew that's what he wanted. Now he points vaguely in a direction and I'm all, "Would you like me to start the dryer? Would you like to see the newspaper? Please, for the love of humanity, start talking!!!"

When did your kids learn to talk? Five seems so late. I know that everything runs on its own timeline, but...but. That's all I have to say. But.

I believe he'll talk one day. He didn't learn to crawl until he was two, and we were so worried about it. And now that worry is just a memory for us. I'm hoping this will be the same way.

But.

Relief. Finally.

It couldn't have gone any better. The surgeon looked at Niko's x-rays and said that they were going to cast him. No surgery, no pins. No anesthesia, which is the bane of the Williams world. Luke and I looked at each other in shock. Was something finally going to go right?

It did. Niko's leg is encased in a Cookie Monster colored cast all the way up to mid thigh, and he is so much more comfortable! The bones had shifted inside of his splint, so they had to reset them, but now we don't have to worry about jostling him. Tomorrow they're delivering a foldable wheelchair, and then life will change for my little son.

Nina is so sweet, wearing a yellow party dress and clapping happily. With Niko out of commission, it is her time to shine, and shine she does. I've been trying to find the good in this, and I think that maybe it forced me to slow down. Things have been so busy and we were all worn out. I hadn't been spending much time with my family at all, and the kids and I have been lying side by side since Thursday night. If nothing else, I had a chance to reconnect with them.

That said, we're incredibly bored. Niko is currently watching the balloons spin around under the ceiling fan, and it is making him laugh. I recorded it and emailed it to my parents. And look, my blog now has music! And the music is picked at RANDOM! It takes me a long time to figure out things like this. Technology isn't my forte. But hey, one thing that I certainly have right now is time. As long as it doesn't take me more than three feet away from Niko, because then he does that sad "Why are you leaving me?" cry. Showers are a too brief, wicked indulgence.

Anyway, thank you guys so much for your prayers. I absolutely believe in the power of prayer, and I know that it came into play here. You're so appreciated!

Beautiful Niko, Wake Unto Me

Tomorrow we see the surgeon, and then we'll know what's going on. I'm nervous, of course, but either option will be a step forward. Either his leg is set and he'll be casted, or he'll be scheduled for surgery. At least he'll have his foot in something more stable than a splint. I'd like to be able to move him around eventually, and take him outside. I think that would improve his quality of life.

On the lighter side, here is a picture of his birthday cake! The boy is OBSESSED with washers and dryers. Luke had a lot of fun with this one.

I'll write more after tomorrow's triumphant return.

Regarding Said Mass Email

Do I really feel as lighthearted and under control as I sounded in that email? No. Of course I don't. But those details aren't meant for everyone.

A Copy of Today's Mass Email

Hey, everybody! I just wanted to let all of you know that Niko turned five years old yesterday. Luke outdid himself with a washer and dryer cake (Yep, his cakes just get more and more grand) and Niko had a party starting at 7:00. I heard it was great, and that they even took a few pictures, but we missed out because Niko broke his leg while jumping on the trampoline. Right, the same trampoline that he spends hours jumping on every day! Apparently he just landed funny on the canvas, not on the springs or bar or anything. I heard him and walked outside to see our friend running to us with Niko in his arms, and Niko's leg was obviously broken. We had a brief comedy of errors running to the car, but made it to the emergency room in under ten minutes. Go us!

He broke his tibia and fibula right above his ankle, and it didn't realign as well as the doctors had hoped. We have an appointment on Monday with the orthopedic surgeon, and they'll most likely have to do surgery to pin his bones. We have x-rays for those who want to see them. But Niko's all right, and is watching Cookie Monster as we speak. He's such a good boy. Nina is having a grand ole time without Niko interfering in her fun. Big brothers can be such a drag sometimes.

Anyway, prayers would be appreciated. Niko is not the kind to lie flat on his back, so we're going to have a struggle on our hands. For those who are wondering, the 5k is off, and Boise is still in the air. I may or may not be out of town, depending on what the surgeon says. Anyway, we're well and Niko is drugged and contented. Good spirits here. Thanks!

You Are Not Wanted.

So yesterday everything came to a head. All of the constant running around, things going on every night and no time to decompress and be with my family. There was an incident at church, a small misunderstanding, really, but it made me feel ugly inside. I was hurt, and for a brief moment I hated, but then I took a breath and slowly worked on becoming me again.

I don't want to say too much, because I know sometimes my local friends read this blog. But at church yesterday, I was basically told that Niko was unwelcome to a place that he had always been welcome to. There are new people there now who don't know and understand him, and want him elsewhere because he's distracting. Which he IS, and I know it! And after thinking about it, I know that these decisions were made in the best interest of everybody. I wish I had been involved in the decision making, of course, so that I knew not to bring him to that room, but I know these decisions were not made out of unkindness. These are sweet people who are balancing a lot of responsibility, and are working tirelessly to do good things. I'm not angry anymore, and probably wouldn't have been angry at all if things had been communicated properly beforehand. Sometimes we just get too busy.

But as it was, I had the joy of standing in a room with my weeping child and being told, as gently as possible, that he was no longer welcome there, that he was too difficult to deal with. I was blindsided, and stood there in shock while Niko wrapped his arms around my neck and cried. And I cried, too. I cried twice in church, and then I came home and cried. Then my friend June called me, and I cried harder than I had cried in a long time, the kind of crying where you can't stop long enough to catch your breath. Then I cried when I went to bed, and today when somebody asked about it, and I'm crying now. This is what I have to say.

You touched on my greatest fear. I'm afraid when Niko plays on the playground with mean kids that knock him down. I'm afraid when little girls back away from him when he's screaming. I'm afraid when the kids poke him with sticks through the fence when he's playing in his own backyard. The phrases "You are not wanted" and "You don't belong here" and "You are too different" are the most cruel things that you can say to somebody, and they don't always need to be said with words. You are kind, wonderful people, and I'm sure that if I knew you, I'd really enjoy you. I know you have to worry about kids other than my sweet boy. But the way this went down was terrible and humiliating, and my son and I were left feeling like we had violated your space by existing. You became the very thing that I am most afraid of. You became my monster.

A Wolf At The Door

It's IEP time again, and we all know how fun that is. Niko will be going to kindergarten next year, and he'll have to move to a completely new school since his current one doesn't have a special ed kindergarten. How strange is that? Special ed preschool programs, but no kindergarten. I feel the old anxiety acting up again. How will he be accepted? What will his new teacher be like? Will we get the "This school isn't a good fit" conversation again?

I worry too much. I realize this. Niko is better at adapting than I am, and he's been doing wonderfully well. Still.

One of my friends made some unkind comments about another friend's child the other day. Unwarranted and unsubstantiated comments, and it has, of course, caused some contention there. I think, who are we to be unkind to other people's children? Who are we to find them lacking in some way? My gosh, there is a wolf at the door all of the time, trying to get to our children. If you can't count on your FRIENDS to back you up, how are they ever going to survive?

Things Of Beauty

Just Us Girls

This week has been a blur of Young Women's meetings, a quickly contained house fire, a 6'1" stuffed shark named Dirk and MST3K. Oh, and bangs. Rock on!

Ahhhhh, the ocean.

Mmm mmm mmm, we're on vacation. I know, right? Luke burned a day of work and off we went, to Solana, CA. We're staying at a hotel a block away from the ocean, and we have had THE BEST time! Today we frolicked in the surf and drove down the highway by the sea. Yesterday we went to the San Diego Zoo and left only because they were kicking everybody out. They had lions, tigers and bears, oh my, but Niko was mostly interested in the hippopotamus tank (that's right, the tank. Not the actual hippos) and the traffic on the way home. His face was just alight. Nina ate some sand today and has been generally happy, as usual. And I think that I'm actually relaxed! What is this FEELING? My shoulder blades aren't contracted up to my ears!

Niko and a little girl nearly licked each other at the restaurant today. It was like the most disgusting slow-mo french kiss ever, but her mother fortunately intervened. "I'm sorry," she said, whipping her child to her bosom, "but she has a little bit of a cold." That made me want to laugh. She was so polite! "Ew, you were LICKEY!" is what I would have said, but obviously she's more wise than I. Later her husband asked, "Does he have Angelman syndrome?" "What?" "What does he have?" "Williams," I said, and he nodded. I could tell that he was going to look it up later. They seemed like a nice family. Which was good, since Niko tried to join them. Inducted by lickage.

Tomorrow we head home. It's a nice, leisurely five hour drive, and then it's back to work and life. (And Xenosaga 3 for me...my other little escape.) I haven't written anything this entire trip. Luke watched basketball and looked at golf clubs on ebay. I can tell you that I am 100% happy. A girl could get used to this.

Guess What I Just Did?

Finished editing my novel. Oh yes. Finished finished finished!

It was hard and took a lot of work, but my friends helped me and now it is ready to send out! I am so incredibly pleased. I am going to go to sleep and dream sweet dreams, and when I wake up I shall celebrate my birthday by printing out a nice, clean, finished draft. Ahhhhhhhhh.

I am lazy by nature. Most of you know this about me. Taking a dream of mine and actually seeing it through, that took some effort. I'm breaking old habits, and...what was that? Enhancing my quality of life???

Rock on.

Speaking Of Quality Of Life

Today my friend sent me a scanned picture of his face. He pushed it right up against the scanner, and there he is. I laughed so hard that I literally had tears running down my cheeks.

Now that's what I'm talking about.

I Want My Life To Be Shiny

It has come to my attention that my quality of life has been suffering.

There I was, in my ratty work-out clothes. My day had pretty much consisted of putting away books (Niko pulls them out to look at the bar codes) emptying the dishwasher. Loading the dishwasher, putting away books, pulling all of Niko's toys out of the dryer, and putting away books. I made Nina's bottles, put away books, ate salad for lunch, put away everything BUT books (no way was I going to touch those things again!) and then I broke down and put away books. All with Nina in one arm.

Sure, this is a skill. But is it a QUALITY skill? Couldn't I let the house go to pot for two hours while I made something fabulous? I have a sterling silver butterfly pendant that I've been meaning to put on a satin cord. Simple, right? Just right for spring. And I haven't because....???

So. This is my New Year's Resolution, three months late. ("Stop Procrastinating" never makes the list, so you know.) I shall Enhance My Quality Of Life. It doesn't have to be a huge gesture every day, but something to add sparkle back to life. I want my life to be shiny.

Last year's resolution was to "Ride More Shopping Carts". I definitely made good! You will see me careening wildly on my cart all the way to the car. It's more fun than you would ever dream possible! And sometimes strangers race you, and it's hysterically funny. I think we all shine a little that way.

We Are A Family

Luke, Me, Niko, Nina, and David Bowie. We all live in a little house among the stars and skip around holding hands all day.

The Rosy-Lipped Batfish

I saw this in Ranger Rick. And I may never sleep again.

Who doesn't like men? Banshees, maybe.

The funeral rocked. As much as a funeral can rock. Everybody was on their best behavior. We remembered the good things about grandpa and nobody came to fisticuffs by the grave site, which was a very real concern for me. Although Niko, out of his element, spent the time doing his death metal scream on the other side of the cemetery with Dad and Luke while I bent my head and tried to look pious during the dedication.

Do any of you struggle with how much information to give out? When Niko was diagnosed with Williams, we had been living in the same area for a while, and he was a year old. So he was already established and it didn't seem to change any of our friend's perceptions of him. Or at least they were generous and gracious enough that we didn't pick up on it, if it did. Then we moved to this (insert colorful language of your choice here) city, and all of a sudden, for the first time, we had to say, "This is our son Niko and he has Williams." And people were taken back. What is this strange syndrome? Is that why your son simply cannot sit still? Is that why he throws back his head and howls like a banshee on crack? Do you believe in banshees? And how would a banshee get crack? The public must know.

I don't know how to address this at large family gatherings. (Williams, not banshees on crack.) It's always been easy because my side of the family doesn't gather so much, so it never came up. I've always been an open person. In my opinion, it's always easier if people know things because then they can be prepared enough to behave appropriately. Unlike, say, when people get a divorce and it's a huge secret and suddenly you get a verbal caning for asking them to remind their husband that he's singing in church next week. Yeah, some of you guys know what I'm talking about.

Uh...I mean, that's just a random example.

I don't want people to think that Niko's misbehaving, because he isn't. He's doing the best that he can. I want people to be sensitive to the fact that he processes thing differently. But I also don't want to be tottering around pointing at my son and saying, "Niko? Williams. Deletion of the elastin gene. Delayed and loud." Because that's just stupid.

Other funeral highlights: Pervy uncles that somehow found God, emo cousins that suddenly turned respectable, and questions about my outfit, which was a black, white, and gray dress with my 4 inch Red Stilettos of Death. My response? "Grandpa's dead. I'm not." Also, my great aunt blinking her big blue eyes at me innocently and asking if my husband likes men. "No, he's married to ME", I say, prompting a long debate with my brother about men we know who do actually like men, but are still married to women. One of our super enjoyable "Psychology major vs. Sociology major" rows. We put on gloves and boxed. Every argument had a thesis statement and was backed up by three points. Turns out she just meant, does he like men to, you know, play basketball with, and stuff. Oh.

Booya.

Well, it's official. We're screwed.

Okay, so maybe it isn't that bad. Ask me after homemade pizza and tonight's episode of America's Next Top Model, and perhaps I'll have a much cheerier outlook.

Niko survived his cold, and then days later came down with a particularly nasty stomach bug. He's a bag of bones anyway, but he's lost more weight, and now Nina has it, too. The doctor doesn't think that he needs to come in until he hits a list of criteria, and thankfully he isn't that ill yet. And I think he's improving. But he's been lying on the floor/bed/my lap since last Friday. Today is Wednesday, for those who are interested.

This is a sad thing on its own, but my grandfather passed away a few days ago and we're planning on driving sickie children seven hours to the funeral. Which I'm singing in. Some of the family is "in" on the Williams thing, and some really will have no clue as to Niko's funeral behavior. Luke and my father have both volunteered to watch the kids in a spare room in the church if necessary, and of course it will be necessary. Niko is constantly squirreling under the pews and vaulting for freedom, although if he still continues to be listless...perhaps I should look at his weariness as a good thing. "What a well behaved child!" somebody might say to me. (That has never happened before, so of course this is a beautiful fantasy of mine.) "Thanks, he's sick," I'll say, and traipse off for what I am certain will be the post-service scuffle.

Usually I am much more optimistic than this. It doesn't come especially naturally, but I try. I have faith and hope and wonderful family and friends. I feel support. But some days, don't you just want to throw your hands up in the air and hit Cold Stone Creamery? I do. Oh man, DO I.

Meanwhile, Nina is babbling. Da da da blah blah nuh nuh nuh. She makes more sounds than Niko ever did, and she's six months old. Perhaps they'll chat together. She adores her big brother. Niko's sticking his fingers in his ears and humming/yelling more than ever now. Apparently I put his socks on too loudly. I'll be more careful of this in the future. :P And his hair? With all the rolling around on the floor, it has gone totally Cloud Strife. Totally fantastic! Google my geekdom, people. ;)

Ha Ha! I Laugh At You! (Cautiously)

So! Niko suffers from the Mother of All Colds, but not pnemonia, RSV, or bronchialitis. I am so relieved! I feel like we scrambled out from under the gun, and I fling insults at this illness! You can't keep us down, baby! We always come back. We always survive. Then I knock on wood and pray in gratitude. Lesson learned. Wellness treasured, check. Not taking things for granted, check. Relief and little bit of I-Get-Knocked-Down-But-I-Get-Up-Again cockiness, check check CHECK. Because a bit of swagger makes me cheerful.

And mama needs cheerful.

The Williams Law of Physics

Reality slaps us down pretty hard sometimes, I think, but it's all for a good reason. Ah, the cold and flu season! It makes us grumpy and turns us into gravel voices on the phone. But when you have a medically fragile child, it takes on this new kind of intensity.

Okay, so it's not new. It's the same kind of intensity that we've experienced for the last four years. Is it possible for intensity to be grinding? Because if there is such a thing as a grinding, wearing intensity, this is it.

Niko has been sick since Wednesday, the first to go down. He had a fever and a slight cough, and was cuddled, bathed, sponged down, sung to, napped with, and taken care of with SO MUCH CARE. All while caring for Nina, and sanitizing everything so that Sweetness herself wouldn't come down with Mystery Illness, too. On Friday I went down. Hard. Luke took the kids and I didn't spend more than half an hour at a time out of my bed. Saturday, after a victorious 5k race, (take that, illness! Fie!) Luke went down. I managed to wake the dead (myself) and get a handle on the household.

Cut to today, Super Bowl Sunday. Which is important to millions of people, but not to me. Nina's fussy and sleeping a lot. Niko's coughing every five minutes, although with a little more energy. Luke is practically human, and I'm breathing. So what's wrong?

This is what's wrong. We're taking the kids to the doctor in the morning. For those of you who have witnessed this experience firsthand (Dad) you know that his terror and shrieking makes everybody downright stupid. It's really hard to take him. I've convinced myself that he has pnemonia, and the last time that he did, we were incarcerated inside of the hospital for days. I was slowly packing an overnight bag for Niko and myself, just in case, and the feelings that rushed over me were absolutely overwhelming. What if he is in the hospital? He's bigger now, and I'm sick myself. What if we're there for days? What about Nina? But mostly it was not again not again not again.

An object in motion tends to stay in motion. An object at rest tends to stay at rest. We had been allowed to stop the crazy carousel ride for a while and just rest. No hospitals. No meds. Just rest.

It hurts to give this up. It's like taking a breath and saying, "I somehow thought all of this was over," and then realizing that it won't ever be over, not really. There will always be colds. There will always be hospitals. And of course, there will always be Williams. That's just the reality of it, and like I said, sometimes reality feels that it needs to slap us down. I think that I choose to be grateful for that, because when you rest for too long, like we did, you forget how it was before. I was taking Niko's general good health for granted, and I don't ever want to do that. I want to always treasure his wellness.

The Great Santa Run

Niko's not in this picture because the woman who took it is a Nazi. "No screaming! You're out of the picture!" she informed him, and who were we to argue? Niko's sitting in shame in the double stroller, thinking about what he has done.

Painting The Roses Red

Okay, so I'm apparently painting EVERYTHING red right now! Niko's chairs. The piano. My hair.

Yes, my hair. It's red and vibrant and happy, and I love it. Imagine strawberries. Imagine you're walking the streets in Russia. It's the kind of red that Luke doesn't enjoy very much, but he's a sport. And I'm twirling outside in the street, so it's all good.

Christmas was spectacular. We had it at my house this year, so it was pleasantly lazy. Riley gave us Guitar Hero III, which Luke is playing even as I write this. Niko is apparently dancing in front of the TV, because I hear, "Niko, watch out! Noooo! Augh." It's a fun game, and there's a little bit of addiction going on. I also have a ring to wear until we buy another wedding ring. I lost mine two years ago now, and it's still heartbreaking. It's nice to have something to flash to would-be suitors, however.

Okay, you caught me. I don't have any of those. But if I did, this slim new band would hold them at bay, I tell you!

Niko has learned to help me unload the dishwasher. He also slides his hand behind Nina's head like we do when we pick her up. Nina just scored her first tooth, one on the front bottom. Her canines were threatening to come in, and she would have been a vampire just like Mama and Niko, but at last, common sense prevailed. I have a feeling that she might be something sweet and lovingly sturdy, a beautiful stake that we can tie ourselves to and anchor ourselves on. Goodness knows that would be a good thing.

Red Sonja

Guess what I did this week, amid the Christmasy splendor? I painted our piano! Woo! Sonja the Piano had a tough go of it, and got pretty massacred during the move here last summer. I could hardly stand to look at her, let alone play her. but I painted her bright red, and she's joyful again. There's also a new awesome couple in our ward, and the guy offered to tune her, so things are looking up for Red Sonja.

Oh yeah. And the rest of us are okay, too. ;)

Bless Your Heart

November is an especially busy month. I always hated it before...it was boring and dreary and Thanksgiving always had something horribly tragic associated with it, like '80's death for example.

But now that I'm in the middle of working on my second novel, (about 18,000 words into it!) it gives me something to look forward to all year. And I do! Pypes also came and visited, and we had the best time! Riding rollercoasters, log flumes, and watching a stage production of Sweeney Todd. (was I the only girl cheerily singing "They all deserve to die...tell you why, Mrs. Lovette, tell you why..." while folding the whites?) And the shopping! Good heavens, the incessant shopping! Yours truly scored BIG TIME, including a jewel-toned blue trench coat. Nice.

But I landed in the ER again, because my heart rate was beating so slowly and I was getting dizzy and the like. They thought it could be the meds, so they pulled me off of them. Turns out it wasn't, because I had another EKG today, and I'm off to the cardiologist on Monday. I don't know if I should be scared or relieved. I think that I choose relieved. My heart rate is 46 beats a minute, and she's concerned about anything below 60. There are meds out there, she says, that can raise my heart rate. I feel fine when I'm running or doing something really active, but anytime I sit or lay down, I just feel like I'm sliding. So this is a good thing, going to see what's up. I just want to feel good again. I almost can't remember how that feels.

But the novel is going well! I'm in pretty good spirits most of the time. I also realized today that I can prance around in four inch heels without the slightest bit of trouble! A happy realization for us all! I added a great navy pair to the red ones. I can even run in them, which comes into play every time that Niko tries to escape during sacrament.

The other day, Luke said, "Niko, where's Mom?" and he pointed to me without hesitation. THAT is what is good for my heart.

Also, Luke and I are doing a Santa Run next month. A 5k for Luke, and a one-mile walk for me and the two kidlets. We're trying to break the Guiness Book of World Records for the Largest Santa Gathering, and we'll both have a five piece Santa suit. ROCK ON! The kids get elf hats. I'll die laughing if we choose that for our Christmas picture!

I'm A Winner!

I had something to tell you. What was it? Oh yeah.

I JUST SOLD MY FIRST SHORT STORY TO A LITERARY MAGAZINE!!!!!

I submitted it in July and heard back yesterday. I'll be published in the January 2008 addition of The Vestal Magazine. Payment? Twelve bucks and a copy.

BEST twelve dollars that I have ever made.

Aaaaaaaaaand...happy birthday, Riley! You're less than half of David Bowie's age. Because we all know that is how we tell time. Naturally.

Niko totally devoured eight keys off of my keyboard, including the all important "shift" and "tab" keys. I have to somehow get this thing fixed before attempting to write a novel in 30 days! My typing time is painfully, painfully slow.

One Big Happy Family. Mostly.

I would like to point out that a majority of our pictures look like this. Happiness! Joy! Mom never smiles. Niko screams for the aid of some outside source. I hold him with steely arms and smile like it ain't no thing. Which it isn't anymore. The camera clicks, and Niko runs free to create noisy havoc elsewhere. It rocks. :)

We blessed Nina yesterday, which was really wonderful. My family came down for it, and Riley even made it, so after church we hurriedly scrambled together for a picture because we do that every time all of the Murdocks are together. The last picture was four years ago, which is a little eyebrow raising because there are only four of us, but you take what you can get, yeah? Riley is 6'8", in case you're wondering. In this pic, I'm wearing the Red Stilettos of Death that make me six foot. Yeah.

Luke's family came, too, and we had lots of little kids chasing each other in the backyard and playing on all of the toys. It was so much fun! The little cousins really adore each other. I was pretty thrilled because Andrea came, as well. We've been friends since we were 12, and she totally took care of me. You know how I am in crowds. I get a bit batty. "Put that down, how do you need these chopped, it's the second drawer from the bottom, I'll get ice," she said. And a lot of other things of that nature. I miss that. :)

Then last night Niko spiked a pretty high fever, and I was up with him almost all night. He seems better today, although a little lethargic, and I kept him home for school. He's watching (of course) Cookie Monster. Nina's dressed up like a little Halloween pumpkin. And I wrapped my first Christmas present of the year. Woo hoo! It is time! I know what I'm getting almost everybody, and my fingers are itching to wrap wrap wrap them all!

It's almost time for NaNoWriMo, and I can hardly wait! I have this second novel loosely planned out...as in, I know how it ends. And maybe one or two things that happen in the middle. I like to have freedom to deviate while I write.

I also have a stash of 10 Junior Mint boxes in my freezer (My favorite! Thanks, Riley!) and about 40 ice cream sandwiches/bars/cones leftover from yesterday. I shall use them to entice the neighbors to do nice things for me. Or not. I certainly can't eat them. But a few mints every now and then, that's all right.

Apparently my black-hole like nano background is disturbing to several people. My friend Jeanie is going to teach me some coding so that we can change it to something a little less "If you stare into the abyss, the abyss also stares into you" like. I think that will be a lot of fun! Hooray for smart friends!

The World Is Shifting

Woo, a new blog color. Now we're all dark and mysterious.

Pink never was my color, anyway.

Like Rats On A Sinking Ship...Only The Rats Are Smarter

Oh my LANDS, we're in a world of hurt here! Everything everybody ever said about the perils and pitfalls of having two children is true. So true! They're cute and sweet and Niko's charming and Nina's smiling, and yet I gladly admit that I'm going bonkers. It's Luke's busy season at the site, so I've been single Mom-ing it for...well, pretty much the last month. Except for the week we ran screaming home to my parents, which was really a lot of fun. Luke leaves at five in the morning and gets home around nine at night, and he has to take the car.

Niko's developed this terrible new habit: he won't go to sleep unless somebody lies down with him. So when he wakes up alone in the middle of the night, he cries hysterically until either Luke or I hop into his Cookie bed with him. I asked Carly about this, and she said her son did it, too, and that it will eventually pass. "To everything there is a season," she said, and I am clinging to that with both hands. One crying child up at night I can handle, but two? Harsh! But even with all of the craziness, I lie there at night with Niko's skinny arms wrapped around me, staring at the plastic stars on his ceiling and I know that I will miss the time when he wanted me to come cuddle with him.

During the day I set up Central Command in my living room and bark out orders that go entirely unheeded, even by myself. Especially by myself. This wonderful house has become a sinking ship of stir-crazy madness, and all of the rats would have jumped of of it long ago. We're still hanging around, but I think it'll all level out somehow when Luke enters our lives again. He has that gift.

I'm still not feeling well, and the doctor prescribed a medication for the blood sugar. It's supposed to be a heavy hitter, and he warned me that it might make me pretty sick. "Even more sick than this?" I said, and we laughed the bitter, jaded laughter of professional and patient. And we were laughing so bitterly that it was hysterically funny, and then we were just laughing for real. Until I read the side effects, and the laughter stopped a bit. On my end. He's kind of a kook and will most likely be laughing long into the night. Having completely forgotten why.

I'm addicted to threadbangers.com. I must confess this. I plan to make a pixie hat today, for no other reason except that I can, and I WILL. That's an order from Central Command.

Finnish Cakes

Boys and Girls, today I am going to impart the wisdom that Sister Kaameriinaan taught me in Finland! When she invited Niko and I over for a day of baking and drinking Pepsi Light in order to keep us out of Luke's hair while he studied for his finals. I made this three weeks ago.

STEP ONE: (Picture 1) Preheat the oven to 350 degrees. Take three identical drinking glasses and fill the first one with six eggs. Next, fill the second glass with flour, up to the same level as the eggs. And fill the third glass with sugar, also to the same level as the eggs and flour. Got that? Three equal parts eggs, flour, and sugar.

You guys are geniuses! :)

STEP TWO: Now toss one teaspoon of baking powder in with the flour, and mix the eggs, flour, sugar, and baking powder in a bowl. If you're really doing this the Finnish way, you'd use your hands instead of a spoon, but whatever floats your boat.

STEP THREE: (Picture 2) Line a cookie sheet with wax paper. That is VERY important, otherwise this whole experiment is all for naught! Then pour the batter onto the baking sheet. Use a spatula and spread it so that it fills the entire sheet. Yeah, I didn't do that, and paid dearly, so heed my words, O children. Bake it for anywhere from 7 to 20 minutes, peeking in on it to make sure it doesn't burn. It'll cook quickly, because it's so thin.

STEP FOUR: (Also Picture 2) Hooray, it's cooked! Pull it out, let it cool for a bit, and then slather the entire top of the cake with something sweet. What, you ask? Who knows?! Hence the adventure! I used orange marmalade, because I'm nuts about the stuff, but you can use any type of jam, or chocolate syrup, whipped cream or crushed nuts...you get the picture. Knock yourself out!

STEP FIVE: (Picture 3) Carefully (carefully carefully!) peel the cake off of the wax paper as you go, and roll it up into a tube. Make sure it's cool enough that the cake doesn't just fall apart, but not so cool that it becomes a permanent part of the wax paper.

STEP SIX: (Picture 4) Decorate! This is the fun part! I used whipped cream as frosting, but you can use real frosting, or anything else that you want! Frost it, don't frost it, use sprinkles or again, chocolate syrup or edible flowers...after the whipped cream, I grated some chocolate on top.

This cake is totally a freezer cake, so you can toss it in there and forget about it until you're ready to wow company. Or the spouse. Or the UPS man, bless his brown-shorts-covered soul. It's also pretty when you slice it, and that's very important. Because pretty things make the world go round.

Do You Hear What I Hear? Well, It Ain't Gonna Last.

What is this sound? It's so unusual...

Oh my lands, it's silence. Sweet, sweet silence!

*The hopping up and down and joyful screaming shatters said silence*

Niko was throwing up yesterday, and missed school, but today he is feeling much better and stepped carefully onto the bus like a champ. I was remembering how he used to throw up all of the time, several times a day, and what an anomaly that is for him now. I find this to be very grand.

I am doing much better, and even received the all-clear from the doctor to work out. I'm supposed to exercise 45-60 minutes six days a week, eventually, and it should keep my blood sugar under control. Which would be great! I did a little today, and after 15 minutes I was completely fatigued, but I'll get there. My friend turned me on to a great gym nearby that has (GASP!) free babysitting, and Luke and I have decided to sign up. It has kickboxing! And a fabulous track on the top floor! I feel like I'll be getting a piece of myself back! Luke's been running like a wild man, lately. "I'm going out, gonna run nine miles. Be back in a bit." He's training for a half marathon, and has been doing an absolutely fabulous job. Although I am wary about his taking to the streets of this city. "I am a fine specimen of a man," he assured me, saying that nobody would take him on. And even if they did, he could run away really fast.

Which is true, but unless he, like superman, is faster than a speeding bullet, I'm still concerned. So the gym will be wonderful for both of us!

Nina is getting more and more alert. I love to put her on the floor after a feeding and watch her kick her little legs and wave her tiny starfish hands in the air. Wave 'em like she just don't care. She's Niko's opposite in almost every way: He's tiny, she's huge. He ate out of an oral syringe FOREVER ("Hooray! Little three week old boy just ate 10 ml! That's so good!") and Nina's quaffing six ounces every three or four hours. He liked movement, she hates it, he didn't care so much about being held, she loves it. It really is a joy to embrace their differences. I love his courage and curiosity and affection, and her sweetness and snuggability and wonder. They're both absolutely perfect for us.

Though yesterday...not so much. Niko was sick, of course, and every time he'd scream, it would set off Nina. Luke sprained his ankle on his morning run, and although feeling much better, I'm not quite up to par. But we made dinner (guess what? I'm cooking. Yeah, take that, doubters!) and slunk to the couch and blearily watched...whatever it was that we watched...to soothe our unsoothable souls.

Oh yeah. I was reading Helter Skelter. No wonder I wasn't paying attention to the show.

Lord Help The Mister

Who comes between me and my sister.

And Lord help the sister who comes between me and my man.

Death Rides A Pale Horse...Well, Not Today, Sucka!

Yeah, so. I hadn't seen my kids in four days, because on Monday I had the severest headache of my life (on a scale of 1 to 10, it made my migraines seem like a pleasantly endurable 5) a pounding heart, and high blood pressure. So my doctor says, "Get thee to the emergency room, immediately!" Which, of course, means "Get thee to the emergency room as soon as thy husband cometh home from work. Which is in about four hours." So when Luke gets there and can take the kidlets, (Niko is still terrified of doctors and won't step foot near one without going ballistic) he drops me off at the ER. Where I stay. And stay. And stay and stay and stay. Apparently my blood pressure is SKY HIGH (they had some name for it, with "shock" in it, but who can remember the details?) and my pulse was beating at 40 beats per minute. So they admitted me.

And took two CAT scans, and MRI, an EKG, a heart echo, a chest and an abdomen ultrasound, and the vampires sucked greedily at my blood. They had me on morphine (bad reaction, and besides, it increased my headache. Unreal! "This isn't cutting it!" I was saying. They were puzzled. "Morphine cuts everything!") and bags of IVs and the whole shebang.

Pre-eclampsia. Which usually ends after birth, but not always. They scared the tar out of me talking about fatality rates and sudden, deadly spikes in blood pressure, and who would take the children if I expired because of this. I shake my fist at their bedside manner, for the most part! But I'm fine now, and got released yesterday. I'm on bedrest (Right, like that's really possible!) but I will take it easy.

When we put Niko to bed last night, he kept popping out of his room to make sure that I was still here. I was. Then he'd walk back to bed.

Anyway, I was released almost exactly an hour before my babyshower, which, I was assured, would go on without me anyway. That was fine with me, but I was so glad to make it! It was a lot of fun, and the food was delicious, and the clothes were simply adorable. Little girls are so fun to dress up.

I no longer need an American Girl Doll to exorcise past demons. Hear that, Marilyn? Rock on!

Oh, and I DID lose 30 pounds since pre-Nina on last Tuesday, so I'm now 10 pounds below my pre-pregnancy weight. Not...how I would have opted to do it. I advise against it. Wholeheartedly.

Hey there, Tsar. Meet the Tsarina.

Nina Luna, 10 pounds and 1 oz. She's beautiful with kitten-soft hair and she is very, very sweet. And huge! Luke took a video of the first time that I held her, and I'm rocking her and cooing, "You're massive, baby girl. Simply massive." Which will give her a complex, my mother assures me, but hey. You can't be a true American without a complex, so might as well start early. Why not hit the ground running, yes?

Nina Luna is pronounced Loo-NAH, by the way. The Russian form of the word "moon". I was telling somebody that it sounds like you're oohing and ahhing at fireworks when you say it correctly. "Nina Loooh Naaaaahhhhhhh!" I think this is a fine thing, and that we should all ooh and ahh when we see and greet each other every morning. It'll help with those complexes. We could all use a little celebration, right? But apparently we have chosen the strangest name in history, and nobody can remember it or pronounce it, and she's going to be called Nina Luna or Looney or Nina Marie and we have doomed our daughter to a life of shame and mispronunciation.

Hi. I'm Mercedes. And I managed to survive, so I have hope for our sturdy, robust daughter. This is also exactly how the same scene played out with Niko. "Nikolai? Nee-ko? Nicko? Nick? That's terrible. Name him Jesse." This makes me smile.

Niko isn't so interested in his sister yet, unless she's crying. He finds that absolutely hilarious, and will lay down by her and put his ear to her mouth. Oh, yes, and he'll laugh. She's wailing her tiny little lungs out and he's cracking up hysterically, which seems to be the way of the world a little bit between brothers and sisters. He just likes the sound so much, and I find this grand. I think they'll simply adore each other one day.

I am quite happy, if you can't tell. And perhaps a bit punchdrunk. I always count that as a plus.

Curse It All.

Foiled again. Every day I think, "Is TODAY finally the day that Ninjack arrives in all of his/her splendor and glory?" And every day the answer is NO NO NO. It's driving me nuts. I am DONE. Stick a fork in me. It's time to end this madness.

Our neighbor dropped by last night with a toy that she thought Niko would like. It used to belong to her son, and it was great to have somebody stop by. She's the only person in the cul de saq that we have met, and she said that she's lived here a few years and doesn't know anybody else. That's not such a good sign, but that's the way this area is. My fear is that something will happen to us and our bodies won't be discovered for months. Thanks goodness for the church, is all I can say. They'd be calling around looking for Luke within a few days! Me, well...I could go missing for a bit longer.

Niko has learned how to slide down the slide by himself. So he can climb up the ladder and play in the clubhouse, and just today figured out how to escape his castle and head for the trampoline. It's very exciting to see all of the new things that he's learning! He's such a good kid.

My friend Emily, she's due in three days. We flurry each other back and forth like crazy in emails. "Baby yet? Baby yet? BABY YET?" It's really fun to have somebody in the same situation, and also to keep in touch. It's making the time go by a little faster. This has turned into a cruel type of waiting game.

I demand presentability!

We held Niko down on Friday and cut his hair. "You shall be presentable, dagnabbit!" we screamed, and he is. He looks very handsome. "What pretty hair!" I exclaimed. "May I brush it?" And after a good long sob in the bathtub, he forgave his parents their cruelty. Appealing to his vanity is the way to go, as the boy very much flirts with himself in the mirror.

Dad came down to help out for a few days, and immediately flopped on Niko's bed and refused to get up. "Bring him in and see if he gets jealous," he said, and Niko didn't. He was too busy playing with the baby swing that I just set up in the nursery. Swinging it into the wall hard enough to cause massive brain damage if anybody other than Cookie Monster ever sits in there. I have vowed extreme vigilance.

So I have been doing some writing! And it pleases me very much. My new goal is to have five pieces circulating at a time, which is a huge step for me! And I just accomplished that a few minutes ago! Praise me! Let's see if I can keep it up. Honestly, I don't think it should be too hard because it usually takes a few months to hear back from some of these places. So that placates my lazy side.

I'm on insulin, now, and it has made a WORLD of difference! Life is bearable again. Not only bearable, but beautiful and grand. It's a good time.

Welcome to My Web, Said the Spider to the Fly

This is my favorite room in the entire house! MY ROOM!

Well, okay, so it's Niko's. But I spend a lot of time in here, because it's bright and cheery and because Niko is squirreling away all of our silverware and hiding it around the house. A lot of it ends up here.

Of course, if I were to sleep here at night, all of the bright colors and dizzying circles would give me nightmares. Happy, whirling nightmares about "if moon were cookie" and lots of things that laugh and giggle and generally make a nuisance of themselves. So it's best to avoid that scenario.

I went to the doctor yesterday, who confirmed that because of the GD, the baby is big. How big, we won't know until next week when we do an ultrasound, but obviously plenty big. "Are you sure?" I asked him. He looked at me with all of the love and understanding and sympathy in the world. "Sweetheart," he said, "just LOOK at you!"

And...that means...what? ;)

I've been putting things away like mad in The House, and she is beautiful and clean and fabulous. The nursery is almost up, and it's just a good feeling place that feels like ours, now, not like we're staying at somebody else's place. I'm painting cute little wooden chairs that Mom gave us as a housewarming gift. They're adorable and perfectly Niko sized, and if I just work on them for 15 minutes a day (priming, painting, and then sanding, priming and painting a small wooden table) they'll eventually get done. I learned this from the Flylady, my guru. I realize how many things I put off until I can get the ENTIRE project done at one time, and really, who has that kind of time? Nobody that I know, that's for sure! But 15 minutes here and there...that I can do. And then my energy flags. And I want a bath and bonbons and bed, although that doesn't seem to happen, either. Hmmmm, I'll have to think about this.

Luke comes home every day and takes care of the yard. Which is small enough that it only takes a few minutes, but he's very proud of it, and does a great job. Then we both demand hugs from Niko, alternating who we make him run to, and Niko loves it and laughs. I think he'll like a sibling, although it will be a cruel reality for him, as well. But I'm learning that he's adaptable, and he'll be a wonderful big brother. There will always be a lot going on for Ninjack to watch, that's for sure!

Just an update

Luke and Niko made an impromptu trip tonight to go get our old baby stuff out of storage, so I'm here alone. My one and only goal is to sleep through the entire night, and not get out of bed until I'm good and ready tomorrow. Niko has been staying awake until around 3:00 am lately, and I just can't handle it. I'm not sure why...maybe he's sensing the changes in the air, but it doesn't go over well with Mommy.

He's much more used to the bus now, which is great! It's incredibly stressful to watch him break down every morning, and to manhandle his tiny body outside. I think part of it is that I take him out on the porch 20 minutes early, and we sing and clap and point out all of the cars until the bus comes. It's kind of a time for us to engage fully with one another, and he seems to enjoy it. I know that I do!

I found out that there is a woman here who is a medical expert on Williams Syndrome. I think that I'm going to drop her a line and let her know that we're in the city. I have a feeling that we could be beneficial to each other, and it would be really nice to have our foot in the door.

I don't have my educational class on the diabetes until this Thursday, and I'm feeling worse than ever. "Every day counts," my doctor tells me, but then I have to wait two weeks for an appointment. It's enough to drive me a bit bonkers, actually, and I'm afraid that I'm well on my way around the bend.

The GOOD news is that I was submitting short stories like a crazy woman last night, and I'm really happy about that! I don't expect them to be accepted, and I think that I will be able to handle the rejection. (I hope, anyway!) I am just incredibly proud of myself for even submitting! Woo hoo! So I'll bask in that for a while.

I had a grand moment this evening! I was sitting on the patio in the back, reading a book and watching Niko jump on the trampoline. I heard Luke come home and I called over my shoulder, "We're outside!" and it struck me how nice it really was. It was sunny and Niko was laughing, I was enjoying the scent of Oleander and Luke was coming home from his enjoyable job. We're in a good place right now, and things are really going well for us. This is a wonderful thing.

The Wheels On The Bus...

So Niko has started his one month of summer school, and so far it seems to be going fairly well. He rides the bus there, and screams, of course, and presses both hands against the window as he drives away, looking at me plaintively. "He's usually done by the time we turn the corner," the bus driver confided, and so I believe that everything is all right. I also talked to his teacher on the phone today, who sounds like she definitely has it all together, and that's just a relief. He's learning new things all of the time, like how to climb the ladder to the playhouse all by himself, and where all of the switches to the ceiling fans are. I don't even know that, yet! Tonight he crawled out of the bathtub by himself, as well, after draining the tub. He's really doing very well.

Luke hurt his back somehow, which is just laughable. Because I'm in pretty lousy shape, and now so is he. "Don't climb on the washer," we warn Niko. Because then we'll argue over who has to pull him off when he gets stuck. I think it's pretty funny, actually. But in a throw-your-hands-in-the-air kind of way.

I found out on Monday that I have gestational diabetes, which has thrown me for a bit of a loop. They have a class that I'm supposed to take, and tomorrow is Friday and I still can't get any information out of them. It's worrisome, is what it is, and frustrating, but it is also a relief in a way. I was feeling absolutely terrible, and it is good to know that there was a genuine reason for it, and not just whiny laziness. I hope to hear back from them very soon. Before it's too late, frankly. There's kind of...a bit of a countdown going on. ;)

The House is amazing, and we're really enjoying it! Every evening when it cools down a bit, we go outside and watch Niko play. He loves the trampoline, especially when he jumps with the big blue beach ball. And he is Tsar of the Clubhouse, spinning the steering wheel and sliding down the slide. He swings. He climbs. And today he discovered the monkey bars, so there's even more to explore. A sandbox. Grass. The neighbor's dog that he can see over the fence when he's up there. It is just a whole new world that he hasn't experienced before, and it's simply wonderful. It's really a joy to watch him out there, terrorizing his own personal little neighborhood. It makes me very happy.