Pulling It Together, Somehow

Journal Entry May 17, 2005

I got up to give Niko his bottle, and thought I'd write you. So many feelings, Self. Today I feel pulled together, which is heaven considering the disjointed feeling of my life lately. I'm calling Luke's mom today and asking her to come-- just having someone to help feed us and keep the counter clean-- heck, to take care of US as we take care of Niko-- the thought alone strengthens me. Last night I looked at today's calendar and my mouth gaped open. Nothing scheduled except for kickboxing! I hardly belive it! Of course, who knows what could come up, but maybe...nothing.

So on Saturday I went to the Stake Humanitarian event. I helped organize and prepare for it a bit. The Stake Relief Society got together and made knit and crochet hats for babies, sewed and tied quilts, and made dolls in hospital gowns to for the Children's Hospital. (The dolls are staying local. The rest is going world wide.) I tied quilts and stuffed dolls (I wonder how many of those I'll see around the hospital) and it felt great to climb out of my own sphere for once and leave myself behind for a few hours. Now I want to learn to sew, and re-learn to crochet. Will I feel more fulfilled, do you think?

Marilyn has been extra wonderful. Calling at just the right time, basically checking up every day, inviting us over to dinner on Mother's Day. We went for one of our famous weekly walks last night. I vented for maybe a mile and a half, and she listened, adding insightful comments and support, and then we both started laughing at something (typical) and it was comfortable and wonderful and we were truly inspired to become friends.

The news is filled with ugliness-- the abuse of prisoners, which sickens me, and the beheading of Nick Berg in possible retaliation of that abuse. Apparently you can go online and watch the beheading, and some DJ's were fired for playing audio of it on the air and making jokes. The depravity of the world astounds me. We had an interesting discussion with our friends about being informed of world events, but not being stained by them. Possible? How? I fear for my children. But then again, I think every generation does.

On Tuesday we have the nephrology clinic. We get to ask questions. I'm starting a list. Does he really have Chronic Renal insufficiency? It sounds like the goal is to keep the kidneys functioning as long as possible. What then? A transplant? Will that take care of the problem? When would that take place, if necessary? Will we raise our future children with the knowledge that one day they might get to give big brother Nikolai a kidney? What about dialysis? What's his life expectancy? John called yesterday and said, "What are your feelings? Do you think he'll make it?" I was totally taken back. I said, "John, yes, I'm sure he'll make it!" The doctors never mentioned any other possibility. In all of his blessings Luke says, "You'll grow up to do this and be this..." and I cling to that simple phrase...GROW UP! But his words make me wonder...IS THIS A POSSIBILITY I SHOULD BE PREPARED FOR?! Sometimes I get these brief flashes of clarity and insight, from a larger perspective. If we have to move from this place and from this wonderful hospital, we will survive. Yesterday I thought, I believe in this gospel. If something were to happen to my baby, I know he'd go to God. I truly believe that. So deep in my heart, I know that the worse case scenario has joy in it as well, yet the natural man persists, and I cry, as I do now, and my stomach twists, and I remember being on hands and knees and vomiting repeatedly last week, and knowing that would only be the beginning of the reaction I would feel if we lost our son.

As I said, so many feelings. Luke has been wonderful. We've somehow learned to pull together instead of apart, as we were. I think a lot of it has to do with my verbal appreciation for him. It'd not enough for me to know it....he needs to hear it, too.