Shame

Journal Entry, May 26, 2004

Niko is coughing in the other room. I expect him to sleep soon. I have a new love! On Mondays and Wednesdays I have kickboxing, and I love it as much, if not more, than I thought I would! It's definitely challenging, and takes me beyond the point of exhaustion, but I feel strong and powerful, and love the time to myself. I focus on kicking straight, or on solid punches, not on how many doses of medication I've given that day, or what tomorrow's blood tests will say. The war in Iraq doesn't even cross my mind. I don't even think about the new lump in my breast, to the side of my old pink scar from the last one. I noticed it maybe three months ago, but of course we don't have any health insurance, so I've been putting it off. Luke thinks I should go in anyway, and he's probably right. I just keep thinking that one day, POOF! there will be a magical, wonderful job with great insurance for the whole family. I told Luke tonight, "I know you're trying to find a job, but I'm waiting to go to the hospital, so maybe you could try a little bit harder?" and I started to tear up and covered my face with my hands until I was composed again. And Luke-- oh, his face. He looked positively stricken, and was tearing up as well, and I thought, "Great job, way to pile on the pressure. Let's see if we can break him now, why don't we." I am deeply shamed. Sometimes I'm very unimpressed with myself.