Sunday, March 08, 2009

End Experiment (And boy, am I glad!)

Well, I feel better when I try to do the necessary things. I'd like to say that things zip along more easily that way, or that it's all miracles and butterflies and rainbows, but that isn't the case. I simply feel better. I feel like I'm making an effort, and maybe that's all that matters. I also learned that I'm definitely not doing this alone. We're all high fiving each other as we zip by in our separate rollercoasters. You guys are awesome!

We had Stake Conference today, which meant sitting for two hours on folding chairs with the kids. Niko headbonked everybody! His sister, the guy sitting in front of us, the chairs, our knees, our legs. At one point I had him on my lap (to restrain him, mostly) and he headbutted me so hard in the jaw that my vision blurred. I set him down on the chair next to me and had this moment of overwhelming sorrow. I thought, "What am I doing here? I'm not learning a thing. Everybody is judging us. Niko's out of control." I wanted to stand up and leave. Everything is a struggle. Everything is a fight. Sometimes I just get tired of fighting.

I drive myself crazy sometimes. The other night I said to Luke, "If this was the Holocaust, Niko would be taken away. Do you ever think of things like that?"

He doesn't. But I do. I can't seem to help it.

And then I pulled myself together. Sure, we have to make certain concessions for Niko, but we deserve to be out and about. He is a wonderful, beautiful boy, and he most certainly wasn't the only child misbehaving in there! Let it go. Let it go. As everybody has been telling me, be gentle. Have mercy.

Go home and kick some Katamari Damacy butt!

I bought a sewing machine with my writing contest money. Woo! I made Nina a dress, and...I can only get better. I'll post a picture later. Come read my story!


Rachel said...

Yes! I came up with mostly the same conclusions ... I decided that the trying part is what has mattered. And that trying every day to do the necessary things meant that I was primed to try harder in the rest of my day. It's not that I became a more patient person, but I became, at least a little bit, the kind of person who tries a little harder to be patient. You know?

We had our Stake Conference a couple weeks ago, too. We were late and every room was packed so we hung out in the foyer. I played paper dolls and felt-board stories with Charlotte and practiced my "Oh, no you don't!" stare on Calvin. I'm sure I learned something, but it was too much of a stretch to figure out what it was, so I quit thinking about it. "Let it go" is a good mantra for us all.

I hope you have a great birthday week!

Janyece said...

All children really do act out. We spent church in the halls with Ethan yesterday and I felt the same way. I just wanted to run home, but you're right. Not only do we deserve to be out and about, but we ought to be too. It's good for Niko and it's good for you even if it's hard.

Your doing it again. On a sting of publishing! It comes in cycles it seems. I'm so happy for you! You are amazing! And I can't wait to seen Nina's dress. Okay, yes, mostly because I need to see it to believe it! ;)