Tuesday, August 18, 2009

A New Year, A New School. And a Journal.

Niko starts school on Monday, but we only just found out where he's going. This will be his seventh school...two schools in our last city, and five schools here. (Including two summer schools.) All this talk of a routine and keeping things consistent? Hahahahha! The only school that he returned to was the one where his teacher was hurting him.

His new school is fairly close. They think his name is Nikdai, and its rated 5 out of 10 stars. But what can we do, except pray they'll do the best that they can while we do the same at home. I think I'm a better mother during the school year, when I'm not trying to provide every need for both kids. I think I'll like myself better. Maybe I'll remember how to smile.

Another sleepless night last night. It occurred to me that I miss my personal diary, which fell by the wayside as I write my two blogs. After all, can't I just print them out and call it a diary? Except that I'm never totally 100% honest on the blogs. 99% most of the time, yes, but there's always that small thought or feeling that is too close, too personal to go winging its way through the universe. This is as it should be, but I long to resurrect my journal and write down everything, knowing that it's a completely safe haven. Because there are days when I'm not so certain that I can do this. I've noticed that my friends are dwindling. I have nothing left to give them. When a child says, "I don't like Niko" I can't shrug it off like I used to. I act like I understand, and sometimes I do a little, but mostly it hurts. We order our food to go because it's easier than the show that goes on in restaurants. It takes a village, and we're absolutely isolated. These are the things that I would tell my diary, only in more depth, and with a little more ranting, and probably a lot more tears.

On the other hand, I'd also tell it that when I saw my children napping together, I thought that they were the most beautiful things in the world, and I felt badly for everybody who wasn't their mother. If only we could all be so lucky every now and then, I'd write. To parent children who are so exquisitely wonderful.


Noel said...

That is crazy that he has gone to so many schools. It makes it tougher on everyone I am sure to change things all the time!
I agree with you on the thought that you have nothing left for friends...I do that too. Don't know if it is right or wrong but I just don't feel like explaining sometimes and most people don't just "get it" without lots of explaination...and even then understanding is limited at best. I feel like I run around constantly trying to provide for my kids when they are all home. It is tough enough for me with just Abi and when the rest of the kids are home I feel like I have to make up the time I have to spend with Abi spending some of it with them...it is tough when one child requires so much...
Thinking of you and hoping this school year goes well for Niko.

Nisa said...

Ah honey! Your friends aren't dwindling. Summers are just crazy! I'm sorry I haven't been around! I love you!