Wednesday, October 07, 2009

I Am Just Not Brave

People mean well.  They say how brave and calm and wonderful my husband and I am.  This makes me feel like a complete charlatan because I am not brave and calm and wonderful.  My husband is truly stalwart, but I'm fragile and nervous and constantly looking over my shoulder.  School is, once again, not going well for Niko.  He had a week of the coveted green smilies, and then went bonkers somehow.  They keep switching aids, and acting surprised when he doesn't respond well to that.  Luke would like to go and observe, but he has to make an appointment with Dr. Jerkenstein before he does.  Luke, who is brave and calm and wonderful, is going to go by himself because I'm certain that I would knock Dr. Jerkenstein to the ground and insist on knowing why he behaves so abominably.  Tell me what kind of example that is.

Niko has been home for nearly an hour, and I can't make myself look inside of his backpack to see how his day went.  I just don't want to see.

Nina and I went to the store today, and we had a good time together.  She like to wear her pretty princess shoes that Ali and Jeff gave her, and she swings a tiny red purse over her shoulder.  Today she brought me my heels and MY red purse, and who was I to disappoint her?  Off we went.  The fact that she imitates me so much is both horrifying and comforting.  I know that I behave a lot better because of it.  You know what mommies do?  They go shopping and smile.  They kiss their children on the head.  They suck it up and look in their little boy's backpack, for crying out loud.  I'll go do that.

Writing is going well!  I just finished a beautiful literary short story, and I'm quite pleased with it.  It's very different from what I usually write, but it has it's own kind of slow magic.  After getting the story down, it's time to polish.  I'm going to submit it to a market at the end of the month.  I talk a little about that HERE.

4 comments:

Tes said...

I have been wondering who Dr. Jerkinstein was. Now I know. What does the district policy say about observing? I am interested in what it states.
from one fragile to another - Hugs

BTW the word verification is "wartfull" hehehe.

Noel said...

I might have to start refering to the school as Dr. Jerkinstein too LOL ( our sped. director just got her Dr. put in front of her name and has a power trip about it now).
Just remember...like I said " I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell.." I sing that song to myself now when I start feeling crazy...does that make me crazy?!? talking to myself! :) Hang in there and hoping things get back to green smilieys soon

Belkycita said...

Dear not-brave,

Don't worry about your bravery, sometimes the other half needs to save you with his bravery. Otherwise, how could he be a prince?!!!
(ok I suck as a writer, rhymer and so on, but maybe I am better in Spanish)

Katie Aldrich said...

M- I so identify with the feeling of other people's compliments making you feel like a fraud because you think they don't see who you are. Can you entertain the idea at all that maybe sometimes other people see you more clearly than you see yourself? If you can, tell me the secret because I am still struggling with that one! For the record- I think you are both imperfect and wonderful at the same time. Thanks for sharing these thoughts...