Friday, August 15, 2008

Happy Birth...

Well, Nina's birthday fell flat on its face, but the good news is that she's too young to realize it. I was a frazzled, panic-stricken wreck, completely overwhelmed by Niko pulling Nina's hair, by his head pounding, by his new hitting himself in the head while he cries. He's mean to his sister, and he's mean to me. I simply don't understand it, and it hurts my heart. I don't know if it's because he isn't sleeping, or because it's Luke's busy season and he's MIA right now, or if it's because it's summer and there is no schedule. I'm at a loss. Anyway, Luke got home last night and ran over to help our dear friends pack the truck for their move across the country, and didn't get home until midnight. That's right, on our daughter's first birthday. There was a lonely birthday cake and a lot of crying at our house, and it wasn't just the kids.

But that's in the past. Today we did immunizations, always a pleasure, and later tonight we're going to mow down Niko's wild hair. He looks like an orphan with it curling around his neck and ears like it does. So it'll be a day full of tears for Niko, but that seems to be the norm lately.

Tomorrow Luke and I run the E.T. Full Moon Midnight Marathon, only Luke will be doing the half and I'll be doing the 10k. I haven't ran in months, literally, but I'm still looking forward to it. Running down the road, mostly alone, in the dark sounds like something that I need right now. My race starts at 1:00 AM, so wish me luck.

I also saw that the school district is having a meeting on Monday that is open to the public. One of the things on the agenda is autism and special services, and although Niko isn't autistic, I think that I need to be there, if only to see in person the people that I have talked to. The people that let me down, if you want to be honest. I am determined to educate myself, and make sure that nobody can pull the wool over my eyes again. I really want to be able to adequately protect my son. No, I want to be more than adequate. I want to be stellar.

It's been a tough couple of weeks, and I have worked very, very hard to stave off the depression. Sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn't, but I have decided that the very act of trying to stand against it counts as a win. So this morning I got out of bed. I took a shower and combed my hair, and I'm doing the daily things that I need to do. I choose to see this as victorious.


Laura Oler said...

As much as I hate to admit it, Katia has gone through mean streaks (yes, more than one) when she was sassy and not nice, and I wondered where I'd gone wrong and where my sweet little girl was. I don't know what caused it or how she snapped out of it, but I hope Niko does snap out of his soon. Maybe it's something that all kids have to experience for themselves. Hang in there!

Nancy said...

Hang in there, friend. You are not alone.

Laura said...

Sounds a lot like Michaela's first birthday, and you're right, it's a good thing they don't remember...unfortunately, we do though.
Good idea to be at the school meeting. I'd be sitting right there in the front row, so they'd have to look at me the whole meeting.
No real words of wisdom, just know you're not alone...everyday I get out of bed is a win in my book.
Take care!

Janyece said...

I do think all kids go through mean streaks. Xander is in one right now with hitting and stepping on his baby brother. It IS hard to deal with, but you're stronger than I am so I know with all my heart you'll be okay and you'll be even stronger once this phase is over. It's hard to see that in the moment, but just remember who you are and I KNOW the Lord will help you through this and hold your hand when you need Him most. It sounds cheesy, but I'm going to say it twice for emphasis. Remember who you are - a daughter of a very loving Heavenly Father. I love you too! Call me when you need me! Leave a message if I don't answer. It just means I lost my phone again! He he!

Ava Jewel Leilani said...

Hang in there, just now as I type Ava Jewel is made that I am not playing with her so she is kicking me.

Tes said...

Sit in the front, have your notes, CONFIDENCE becomes you.