Monday, August 15, 2005


Journal Entry Sunday, December 12, 2004

Do you see this crazy scrawl? This is a sign of fatigue. It's 2:00 in the morning, and Niko and I are at Children's Hospital. We're in the emergency room for coughing and wheezing...what looks like pneumonia. Of course, with pneumonia, he has to work harder to breathe. Of course, working harder to breathe strains his heart. Or course, the medicine they give him so that he can breathe (and thereby not strain his heart) causes his heart to race, thereby straining his heart. So we're here, we've been here since 9:00, and, two treatments and some oxygen later, I find that we have another treatment to go and then he'll be admitted. So no going home tonight, we'll wait who knows how long while they get everything set up and then more treatments tomorrow. Honestly, Self, I'm exhausted. I was up all night with Niko last night, and of course all day today, and while he napped I ran to the pharmacy and got his medicine and then finally started lunch which is, of course, when poor Niko coughed himself awake. But now he lies here, still sick, but breathing quietly, and I watch his unsteady heartbeat on the monitor and notice his pulse throbbing in his neck, and I think that I've been here before. SO MANY TIMES BEFORE. But I know without a doubt that it's okay to complain sometimes, as long as you make the right decisions.

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