I'm homesick.

I miss our old city, and I miss Finland. Especially Finland, where it was pristine and cold and there was that dignified somber holiday feel in the air. But I realize that it's that time of year again, where we once picked up and left to live in a foreign country with a tiny sick baby and no furniture.

Ha, thought I was kidding, right? This. I miss this.

It's also the anniversary of '80's death, and I wonder if I'll be hit with that every November for the rest of my life. It's sort of like a soft blow. I think that I might, and do you know what? It's okay. She was a wonderful friend and I miss her, and I think it's just fine if that never changes.

On a brighter note, I'm wrapping some Christmas presents today. Oh yes, it is sliding headfirst into the holidays, people, and I am very much looking forward to it! Niko is so much more aware than he was even at this time last year, and Nina was just a new little thing who clicked her toys together on Christmas morning. I think this year will be spectacular.

Also, Flylady has a Christmas control journal, and I called my mom and left an excited message telling her to print it off and fill it out. Christmas? Shouldn't be about stress, but it has become that way. I think we should scrap it all and go back to the basics.

Niko is almost home from school, and I dressed Nina like a rock star. Sort of the 1980's look (black with neon pink) and a ponytail high on her head. Which is very much a Janyece-inspired look (yeah, you know what I'm talking about. Junior high, anybody?) and that's probably because I was talking to her about NaNoWriMo not too long ago. All of the old gang from the past has somehow invaded my head, and I'm not too keen on letting them out. Go ahead, guys. Just knock around for a while in there. S'alright.

All Things Ray

This was the illustration for "Ray The Vampire" on Flash Fiction Online. (http://flashfictiononline.com/) Copyright 2008, R. W. Ware. The artist also replied graciously to my thank you note, and that always sits well with me.

The Editor made a Wordle, and this made me laugh. (http://www.wordle.net/) I am SO going to put this on a t-shirt! It might be my new running shirt now that "I Leave Bite Marks" bit the dust, no pun intended. (Okay, June, maybe a little pun. Just for you.)

I have decided to take a break in querying for my Ray novel. Thanks mostly to the Twilight series, the market is so saturated with vampire novels that it's suffocating. Hooray to these authors and their success, but it makes me want to sigh because I loved vampires before vampires were trendy, and now I'll just have to wait until everybody is satiated of them, and then sick of them, and eventually enough time passes that I can reintroduce my novel and not have the instant reaction be, "Oh no, not another one." Of course, mine isn't your typical vampire novel, and it was written before I'd even heard of Twilight, but that doesn't matter much. And besides, all authors say that anyway, ha.

Also, thanks and curses to my friend xmolder for his five minute chocolate cake recipe that he delighted/inflicted me with. It's delicious, and quick, and amazing with white chocolate chips. Curse you and your cakey deliciousness! Now I'm an addict.

Go go go!

I'm both elated and tired! I talked about it here.

Have a good night, everybody. :)

Apples and Tricycles

Niko has started eating apples. Whole apples, off of the core. It's such a beautiful thing to see. We have a tree at home, and Dad brought a bag of Jonathan apples for us. Today Niko rode by on his tricycle with an apple in one hand, and Nina waved at him as he passed her. It was a triumph for all of us.

Barnwood Poetry Magazine purchased a poem of mine titled "white blindness". It will be up soon, they tell me. I'm very happy!

"Life"

My story "Life" came out in Abandoned Towers today. I like it. You can get to it from www.abrokenlaptop.wordpress.com.

I think my novel might end up being a novella. I don't want to sacrifice quality for the sake of padding it with useless words. We'll see!

Halloween Night

Niko was an astronaut. He was really excited about his outfit, and even wore his helmet all night.

Nina was a tearful little fairy. Her skirt lit up.

Luke and the Halloween sprites.

People Being Kind

The other day I was picking up some pictures at the store. Luke must have had the kids, because I was alone. And as I was paying, the woman suddenly started talking about her nephew, who was three years old and didn't speak. Not a word, she said. She said how they worried about him and how frustrating it was, and how people seemed to judge them when they went out together. She said that she's afraid he's trapped in there, that he does sign language, but is it really enough? Then she suddenly apologized and said that she was so sorry, that she was saying silly things to a stranger, and I could tell that she was embarrassed.

I smiled at her. I just smiled, and she smiled back, and I said that everything turns out all right in the end. I truly believe this, and I was grateful that for a second I could be the one to reassure somebody else.

We just got back from the wedding, and I'll have pictures of the kids' costumes later! While walking through the airport, Niko dove into a pile of newspapers that a gentleman was lying on the ground, and he kind of swam through them.

"I'm sorry!" I said. "He's looking for pictures of washers and dryers."

"Bless you," he said back, and he looked at my son with so much love. "Keep them. I was going to throw them away anyway, honestly. Bless you."

My dad came down the day that we got home, and he is always such a help. He cleaned my kitchen and told me to work on my novel. He babysat my kids and sent me to the spa for my very first massage. Which was fantastic, by the way! They tell you that when you get a massage, sometimes it affects your moods and emotions. Pshaw, I thought, but the woman said, "Oh my, Miss Mercedes, you really are very tight," and she worked on everything. Legs and neck and that awful little muscle on the right side of my back. Every time that she ran her fingers down the inside of my arm, my middle and ring fingers curled. She worked on my hands, and it was the most bizzare thing: I started to cry. I suddenly felt how hard they worked and how tired they were, and how my whole body ached and things were pulled and I hadn't even realized it, because that's just how it always is. I realized that I never feel well. It felt very, very nice to have somebody take care of me, and it was touching, in a way. I thought that she was extremely sweet and did her best for me, and I hope she went home and had somebody to take care of her.

!!!!!

It's up! It's up! Hooray! I get to see it before I go! Go look. :)

Fighting. Fighting fighting fighting.

Today, I am sick. Fever on and off, bone and muscle ache. What I really want to do is crawl under a blanket (shivering in 88 degree temperatures?!) and watch Ghost Hunters on Netflix, but of course life doesn't happen like that. I'm trying to clean the house so we don't come back to a wreck, trying to pack clothes and Halloween costumes and things of that nature. The kids are fighting. Nina broke a plate. Niko tried to run her over with his tricycle. The basic chaos.

I also spent four hours on the phone with the hospital and the pediatric cardiologists concerning what basically was a glitch in the paperwork. Really, really exhausting and frustrating, but all is well!

So! We're packing for tomorrow's flight. I wanted to let you know that my story comes out online tomorrow. You can read more about it at my site, http://abrokenlaptop.wordpress.com. If you guys maybe have the time to check it out, it would make me really happy!

Happy Halloween, everybody!

I voted!

We voted last night. I can't think of a better activity for Family Home Evening. What a horrible election! It's been dark, dirty, and they've been terrible examples, for shame. And now you shall never hear me speak of the election again, because it's been a bane. A nasty, ceaseless, soul-sucking bane. That is all.

Niko has been following basic instructions lately, and has been so much more vocal. He's making a rhythmic hooting sound that I think is his version of singing. He's going to be an astronaut for Halloween, and Nina is going to be a fairy. We'll spend it out of town, because Pyper's getting hitched! Also, Halloween is when "Ray the Vampire" comes out on Flash Fiction Online. They have an amazing illustration that will be running with it, and I have permission to post it here after it runs in the magazine. I think that it's really beautiful.

Janyece and I were having a conversation about our preferred weapons of choice. (I know, but it's for a story that I'm working on. Really!) I'm more of a bludgeoner, myself, but Jan would sit in a tree and shoot people with a bow and arrow. So be forewarned.

Speaking of weapons, I have a piece coming out on Six Sentences tomorrow. I love that site, and stop by every few days because the pieces are short, sweet, and very diverse. It's so worth checking out.

It's a Celebration!

Well, it's official! I'm a Motorcycle Mama. Only...without a motorcycle. But I'll do some looking around and see what I can come up with. And if any of you have any fabulous, midsized bikes in good condition that you'd like to sell...

So. I can weave around cones. I can stop quickly. I can swerve to avoid hitting things and I can run over a 2x4 in the road. (Which is awesome!) Most importantly, I did something that I always wanted to do, something intimidating and scary, and I accomplished it. Rock on! By myself? Not a chance. Luke had to rent a car because I had our car all day, every day. St. June not only watched my kids for days, but said children had the flu. Luke and I caught it, too, and I had horrible nightmares of throwing up in my full-face helmet, but thankfully, all went well on that front.

I think my first humor article will be about this class. It should be out next week. This is also intimidating and scary, but that's been my New Year's Resolution for two years now: Do Things That Scare Me. And Ride More Shopping Carts. I'll link you when it comes out.

Nina is upset because it's nap time. Niko's upset because I took the golf balls out of the dryer. I'm an animal! A tyrant! How could I ever be so cruel?

Good news on the writing front, too! I'm really excited! Pop on over to http://abrokenlaptop.wordpress.com if you're interested. I really had a lot to say. :)

When Luke gets home? We're all going for peppermint ice cream. Oh, yes. It's a celebration.

I'm Astute Like That.

So my boy missed me. I could tell by the way he kept snuggling into my lap and bowing his head so that I could give him kisses. I'm astute like that. I pick up on those subtle nuances. "Kiss me, mother!" And his face split into this amazing grin when I walked over to him while he was playing with the dishwasher. I thought about that smile before I went to sleep.

I got an email last night saying that my story was going into the final round for A Cup of Comfort for Parents of Children with Special Needs. Say that ten times fast! Anyway, I'm excited. I wrote about the time that Niko nearly burned down the house while trying to use the toaster. Whether or not they choose to publish it, I'm pleased that I was finally able to write something about Niko and Williams without curling up and dying. Like everything else, it only gets easier.

Speaking of dying, I start my motorcycle class tonight. My friend June is going to wrangle my kids for two days while I'm gone! Then I'm going to nominate her for sainthood. Luke and I are in negotiations about a bike. The Free Spirit vs. The Accountant. I'll tell you how that goes.

Time to Come Down From the Clouds

Well, the boys went huntin' this weekend, leaving Nina and I to our own devices. And that girl is in bed by 7:30 each evening. Solitude, delicious solitude! It was a pleasure. I wrote. And wrote. And revised my novel's query letter, sent it to an agent, got rejected immediately, wrote a new story, sent three out, got two rejections and an acceptance and a partridge in a pear tree. Today marked the triumphant return of our menfolk, and all is right with the world.

You hear that? All is right with the world.

Untold Field Trips

Here's the thing about a nonverbal child. It's Niko's first field trip, right? I want to know what he saw. I want to know what he thought. And there is really no way that he can tell me. At home he points to what he wants, and he asks for things. "Do you want milk?" "Uh uh!" "Should we fold the laundry?" "Uh." But how can he tell me stories? How can tell me about school and what he did there?

He can't. Which was why this whole "I think you're son is being abused at school" thing was so incredibly...there aren't words. Tragic, frustrating, hateful...they're too light. Homicidal, mutilating rage, now maybe that's a bit closer. But directed at who? The teacher who mentioned the abuse in the first place and then changed her story, or his teacher who was disciplined for something, but who knows what?

Anyway, that's neither here nor there. It's been on my mind, but there's really nothing that I can do at this point. I just ask Niko what he thought of the animals on his field trip and hope that I'm asking about the right things.

Anyway! Bumping the happiness gauge up a notch is this: I sold a poem to The Writer's Eye. I wax on about it here.

Ray Finds a Home

I just sold a story that I am extremely, extremely fond of to Flash Fiction Online. I received an email from the editor last night asking if I would like to publish "Ray the Vampire" in their Halloween issue. We'll have to edit it extremely fast, but we're going to do it!

"Ray the Vampire" is the short story that I based my novel off of, and its sequel. It all started here. He is my favorite character. I even have Ray fan art, drawn by an extremely talented girl that I know. I'll stick it up when the issue is out.

And Dawn racked up some acceptances, too! Arkham Tales and A Fly in Amber. Yay, us!

You know, I needed this. Sometimes it feels like my natural emotional level is set at "melancholy" and I am constantly searching for ways to bump it higher. The garbage man's rhythmic "flying bag" dance, Niko's first field trip (it's Niko's first field trip today! I can't wait to report on it when he triumphantly returns!) Nina's open mouthed kisses. I find myself literally grasping at things sometimes in order to fill the tank, and I'm only sorry that that euphoric feeling doesn't last longer. That's one of the reasons that I like writing, however. I can put my feelings on paper, and sometimes...you get a sale.

I. Am. Procrastinating.

I should be either writing or cleaning, which is the story of my life. Should should should. I really ought to be doing anything besides whatever it is that I am doing. I should be working on my demon story or scrubbing down the counters.

What I am going to do, no should about it, is make myself a big mug of hot chocolate. With marshmallows. And then I am going to set a timer and clean for fifteen minutes, so as to silence the rather sharp, matronly, and unlikeable voice in my head.

And then I'm going to play Psychonauts until I'm good and saturated with quirky graphics and witty repartee.

Today

I sat down at the piano and played for the first time in a long time. We went to the library; we went to lunch. I wore purple heels and Ruby Woo in the middle of the day. We went to a cupcake shop, and managed not to buy anything. Did I write? No. But I read. And ate with chopsticks. And got yelled at by my friend because I am a coward and I'm afraid of writerly rejection, and every other kind, too. Friends get to yell at friends because they earn it, and her ranting made me feel better. I rode a grocery cart, and rubbed noses with my kids. I felt sad for no reason at all, and disentangled Nina's leg from the slats of her crib, and wrapped Niko up in my old Sesame Street baby blanket. And now I get to go to bed.

Abandoned Towers

You know what? I needed this.

http://www.cyberwizardproductions.com/AbandonedTowers/

Go to Writing Challenge, then Aug/Sept winners.

The editor said some very kind and gracious things, and that makes me happy. A nice end to the night!

But He's a Pretty Rottweiler.

Niko is currently studying for the GRE. He's lying on his stomach and flipping the pages while Nina naps. I'm making stew and homemade rolls for tonight, because I'm awesome like that. Sometimes. :P

Niko's been headbutting his little seat buddy on the bus, and his driver asked if I could get a bus aid into his IEP. Otherwise she'll have to separate him from the rest of the kids, and she really doesn't want to do that. I find that very compassionate of her, and I'll definitely look into that.

I was just out petting the neighborhood rottweiler and broke into hives. Other than that, it's a peaceful day.

Take Care of Yourselves...and Each Other

Niko was so excited for the bus today, jumping and flipping his hands in excitement. Which is such a relief to me. Nina's teething (again. Still. Forever.) and is fussy and sad, and I've had a consitant string of writing going lately. Hopefully this will tide me over for those times when I can't so much as write my name.

So this was my take on General Conference in a nutshell: Yes, these are hard times. Take care of each other and choose joy. There were a lot of messages, but that's what resonated with me. And you know what? I can do that. What an uplifting thought.

Next, let's speak about Demonic Tome! It came out today, and I really struggled with my story. Check out "Thus Sayeth the Devil" by Dawn Allison (rock on, Dawn!) and mine is "Forbidden Grand". I put this disclaimer up on my writing site, but in case there's any question in your minds, Demonic Tome is a horror site. Keep that in mind, if you so choose to go exploring. And enjoy!

www.demonictome.com

Just Life

We had our first official family picture. "Take it fast," we told the photographer, "our children are going to fall apart."

"Have more faith in me," she said. That won my heart, quiet honestly, the sweet, determined, naive thing.

Niko went absolutely haywire. She got one shot, I kid you not. One shot. Then Luke scooped him up and carried him outside to console him. Thankfully, it was a pretty decent shot. Luke, Nina, and I were looking equal parts happy and wry. Niko was tearfully chewing on his fingers.

"We'll take it," I said.

The photographer eyed it. "I can ask them to take the tears out."

"Keep them," I said, and smiled at her. "This is him. This is us. This is just life."

Our House is a Very, Very, Very Fine House

The MFA program responded to my inquiry, saying to apply anyway and if I'm accepted, they'll meet together as a faculty and try to be sensitive to my needs. You know what? I appreciate that. Green light, all systems go.

This came out today. It's a poem that I wrote in high school when I should have been studying math. I still remember writing it, based on this borderline hateful English friend that I had at the time.

http://www.freewebs.com/rarepetal/index.htm

As always, I have all of my writing links on www.abrokenlaptop.wordpress.com

I'm still trying to figure out blog organization. On one hand, if you're wandering over here because your child has just been diagnosed with Williams, you're not going to want to read about my writing. But if you're my friend, then you'll want to know that finally! Something is happening on the writing front! And it's making me very happy.

I guess I don't know whether I should separate writing from the Williams. It would be neater. Then again, life certainly isn't that way; they're definitely intertwined.

Hi, this is me. We are a household of music and kisses and old movies. And Williams syndrome. And writing. :)

Beautiful in Your Tragedy

Hey, I have two things that came out today! Nice! :)

http://www.reflectionsedge.com/ and http://sixsentences.blogspot.com/2008/10/beautiful-in-your-tragedy.html

I Don't Wanna. And a Link!

I did it. I wrote a 1,000 word essay about Niko and submitted it somewhere. It's about the time he started the toaster on fire, and very nearly took the house with it. It wasn't as painful as it has been in the past, so that's a great sign.

I put Nina on a little riding toy that it took Niko two years to master. She hopped right on and had it down, and it makes me take a step back with my hands on my hips. Well. So this is what it's like for "typical" kids. I suppose I see why people are so taken back by my son. I'm proud of both of my kids, for what they can each do. I can't compare them, and frankly I don't want to. So take that, World. You can't make me. :P

My story is out today! This is the first thing that I ever published, and I was all "Yahoo!" on this blog about it. This is an online reprint, so you guys get to read it, if you'd like. It's one of my very favorites.

www.theshinejournal.com

A Shameless Plug for My Friend

I wrote this serviceable but not fantastic horror piece for a contest, and I was very proud of myself for completing and submitting it. Anyway, I get this email saying that it didn't place in the contest, but they would still like to run the piece, and of course I was very excited, right? Wait, it gets better. So a few minutes later I open an email from my best writer friend Dawn, and what's this?! SHE is the first place winner of the contest, and gets goodies and fame and fortune! I cannot tell you how excited and pleased I am for her! That girl is a writing maniac, and the whole reason that I have so many pieces out right now is because we galvanize/egg each other on. She's also coming out in the Northern Haunts anthology whenever that's published. My friend Dawn Allison. Horror writer. Keep an eye out because you'll see her again, and can be all, "I heard of her back in the day."

Anyway! The most exciting part to me is that she and I will be published in the same online issue of a magazine! I think that's a very sweet success. I'll link when it's out. :)

Switching subjects, we're waiting for Niko's bus, and Niko has really been spending a lot of time at the piano lately. He's never exhibited the stereotypical Williams savant music skills, but he's really been playing some beautiful chords on the piano and keyboard. He played up and down, stopping at the octaves, which amazed me. I heard him last night and thought it was Luke playing.

Arg.

I called Mom today and whined. Luke's at work again, the kids are driving me crazy, they won't get over their colds, I've had nothing but writing rejections this week, the house is dirty and eating me alive, blah blah blah. My mother is a good woman. She told me that it was okay to complain because I need a break and can't have one, and neither can Luke. And having her validate my frustration really perked me up a bit, which has gotten me through the day. Thus far.

She also said that nothing is going to get accomplished today, and just to accept it. And again, she was right. I've been trying to buy GRE study guides online for...about four hours now. It takes me THAT long to browse, research, put in a cart and buy. Because there are bumps to kiss and fights to referee and tummies to fill. I don't drink, and I'm very grateful at times like this, because I'd be passed out cold with an empty bottle in my hand otherwise.

So, MFA. I think it's a good idea. It isn't something that I have prayed about yet, but I'm excited to be moving in that direction. The whole "what am I going to do with my children while I'm at class" thing is a concern though, and so far I can't even find a schedule of what the classes will look like, so I can have an idea. But the GRE is good for five years, so even if it's not something feasible for next year, it will have been an accomplishment that I can use later. And honestly, how could studying for anything be bad? Education=good. Enough said.

So in November I'll be trying to write my third (and a half) novel and studying for the biggest exam of my life. Send help. Send chocolate. Send straightjackets and loving words of support. And Amy, I want to ask you about going back to school, but I can't find a way to get in contact with you! I'd like to pick your brain.

Down Time

The kids are sick, Luke's working all day even though it's Saturday, and I've had a migraine for about two days now. All I want to do is sleep, but I'm trying to soldier through because I'm home alone with the kids. But Six Little Things went up today, if anybody would like a charming little read. I quite like how he did the colors and layout, and I'm pleased to be a part of it.

http://sixbrickspress.com/

Sparkly

When Niko saw me from the bus today, he jumped up and down, flipped his hands, and grinned. That's why I like being a mom. He did some good hooting and "uh-uh"ing on the phone to Luke today, some of the best phone convo that I've heard. I have much hope for this little boy. Nina thinks that he hung the moon, and always wants to be wherever he is. They're so lovely.

And Mr. Poetry Magazine took me back! My poem will be published in Kill Poet sometime in the near future. Today is quite a sparkly day.

Good News and Bad News

Bad news first, then it's out of the way. I was reading the requirements for the MFA here, and it needs you to spend some time abroad. Six credits worth of time, however long that is, going to school there and speaking the language. And I'm thinking, "Not bloody likely!" Shall I ask Luke to can his job and pack up our children? Shall I jaunt off alone to a foreign country? Who is this program tailored for, anyway? Rich single people? I took three years of French, and thanks to Luke, we're exposed to Russian on a daily basis. We read culturally diverse stories to our children, and I feel that I have traveled extensively. I'm going to write and ask if previous experience qualifies. We lived in Helsinki, for crying out loud! I can lead them around Jakomaki on the bus. Shouldn't that count? I hope so. It's worth asking.

On a side note, I realize that I'm less likely to take no for an answer than I was before. I'm happy about this.

So the good news! My pixie story was accepted for next month's issue of Reflections Edge. It's one that I'm fond of, and really enjoyed writing. I hope some of you get a chance to read it, if you so desire. Some of you will recognize one of the characters, namely the shark. He sleeps on our bed every night. He's bigger than my husband, but it all works out.

I Think I'm Crazy.

The kids were in fine form today at church. They bucked, screamed, and Niko headbutted Luke in the face a good one. He bloodied my nose doing that the other day, and we're trying to A) move quicker and B) break him of this new, disturbing habit. It's not just us, either. You can tell our friends because they're the ones shouting "My face, my beautiful face!"

I'm seriously thinking of getting my MFA. Crazy, right? How are we going to work that out? Financially, with babysitting, with the whole application process. I'm scared of the GRE. I'm scared of tracking down old professors and begging letters of recommendation from them. I graduated college eight years ago. This is insane. And yet it makes my heart pound. There's a creative writing program here in the city. Part of me says, "Do I dare?"

The other part says, "Oh, yeah. You dare."

Beautiful Things Happen!

Niko's new teacher called last night. We were all supposed to send in pictures of our families to school, and she called to say that when she showed Niko's pictures, he became extremely exited and proud. She said that she knew he wouldn't be able to tell me, but that she thought I'd want to know. You know what? I did want to know! And taking the time to call and tell me was exceptional on her part.

I received a strange, blocky letter with no return address. When I opened it, I nearly cried. Somebody had mailed back my driver's license, credit cards, Barnes and Noble membership card and the Jo Ann Fabric coupon that had been in my wallet.

The On The Premises and CoolStuff4Writers' stories are both up now. The OTP entry is one that I especially liked. Luke laughed and said, "Oh my gosh," but I was in my female serial killer phase right then.

Tell Me, Mr. Poetry Magazine, Do You Still Love Me?!

I don't know what I want in a writing relationship. I feel in love with this certain tall, dark, and mysterious poetry magazine months ago, and sent it some of my favorite pieces. But I never heard back and never heard back, and eventually came to the sad conclusion that it was never meant to be, that the magazine had folded and I was to be alone forever. So today I sent an email withdrawing my poems. And then I received a response.

It was beautifully written all lowercase prose, although it was broken into stanzas like poetry. "why?" it asked me. The loveliness was almost heartbreaking. "you are talented, your poems will find a home elsewhere."

I don't want my poems to be elsewhere, I want them to be there! I tell you that generally my whimsy guides me, and my whimsy wanted this site and this site alone. My heart was stolen and I can never get it back. Even their response to my withdrawal was evanescent and lovely.

So I begged. "I thought you were nonfunctional, I went about this all wrong, please reconsider!" I had broken off my engagement and now I wanted to take it back. But the question is, will I be forgiven? I'm dying to know.

It's a rookie mistake, and I am most definitely a rookie. I'm learning new things every day, and now I know not to make assumptions and that I should query before withdrawing. I learn from my mistakes, but I would be so much happier to learn from an *almost* mistake.

I've been asked if I'll ever write about Niko and Williams. I have, in a way. I submitted an essay to Real Simple that I never expect to hear back on. I'd like to do an article sometime, because I think a Williams parent could write it differently than anybody else could. But at the same time, it's too hard. I've tried so many times, and they either come out clinical (our life isn't clinical) or weepy (our life isn't weepy). They don't turn out how I'd like them to, because it's still so raw. I don't know how to explain my son to those who don't know him. One of my friends told me to write my essay like I was writing him a letter, and it did help. It was much looser and informal, but still not quite right. But do you know what is right? This blog. I can speak about Niko on my terms, in my own way, and I feel like there isn't judgement. It's...very nice.

More Jumping and Screaming

Today I learned that I won the CoolStuff4Writers.com August contest! It'll be up soon.

I asked Luke if he thought I'd ever stop hopping up and down and being excited if something got published. He said that he didn't think so. He makes me so incredibly happy. So again, http://abrokenlaptop.wordpress.com if you're interested in reading some of these pieces.

Niko went happily (I hope!) to school. We took a one year picture of Nina, who was an emotional mama's girl today, and it reflected in her teary eyed pictures. I think they're wonderful.

On The Premises

I got a happy email today saying that I tied for first place in the On The Premesis #6 Mini Contest. I'm so excited! It should be up soon.

Oh No They Di'n't!

Oh yes they did!

I get a call from Niko's school. AGAIN. They say, "He's fussy and I think he needs to go to the hospital." AGAIN. I don't have the car. AGAIN. So I call June in tears, AGAIN, and she is my emergency contact so she goes to pick him up. Which is fortunate, because I wouldn't be able to pick him up since I lost my wallet and ID. AGAIN.

So they think Niko is warm and his eyes are goopy, but they can't take his temperature. He threw a massive fit, and perhaps that's why the nurse decided that he needs medical attention. He comes home, and he's fine. No temp, good spirits. He plays with his friends. He's all right.

I understand their concern, and especially when considering his past medical history. But being called twice in his first two weeks of school is not okay. I called his teacher and said, "Please talk to them again! I'm throwing emergency clothes in a bag while I'm waiting for my son to arrive at home! Please remind them that my first instinct is panic."

I asked if maybe I should take a video of Niko when he's tantruming because it's fairly typical Nikolai behavior. Perhaps if the people at school were more familiar with it, it wouldn't be as frightening to them.

I don't want to be the mother who is always calling the school. But I want my son to have an education and a routine. It's a fine line between advocate and overbearing.

Perhaps I will do a Niko postand link them to it, perhaps with a video. Maybe I'll explain a few things about him individually, so they are aware. Things like: you will never, ever get a temperature from him, so don't even try. He flips the SECOND anything even remotely medical is around. Luke had a caulking gun on Saturday, and Niko went haywire. I guess those things really do look like gigantic hypodermics. And Niko 's eyes tend to be somewhat goopy, even though he had surgery for that when he was younger. I genuinely believe that most people truly want to do their best. I need to find a kind, non-condescending way to show them.

I Have A Sister Blog!

Because my life is so interesting that it takes two! JUST KIDDING.

I put up a list of the places that I've been published. Hopefully one day it'll be long and grand and wonderful. For right now, I think it's just grand and wonderful. I have always, always wanted to become a writer, and I'm slowly launching off. Quite honestly, I never thought that I could do it. I lack discipline and determination. Well, I used to, anyway. I've been working very hard on it. Luke can attest.

Thanks to all of you who asked where you could see my stuff. You made my little heart shine.

http://abrokenlaptop.wordpress.com/

Satisfied.

So the assistant superintendent called back today. She interviewed the two teachers who saw Niko's abuse. Or supposedly saw Niko's abuse. One teacher said that she didn't see anything, which is NOT what she said before. The second said that Niko was screaming (and many are familiar with the Williams meltdown, aren't we?) and his teacher grabbed him roughly by the arm and sat him down in his chair, end of story. She said she reported it to the principal, who took care of it at the time by coming into the room often. Which is NOT what she told me on the phone, in fact, she told me the opposite. Not to mention that she felt inclined to bring it up again over a year later.

The assistant superintendent politely asked if I was satisfied. Yes, I'm as satisfied as I'm going to be. I'm angry, though. And tired. The school's aware that something possibly went on, and somebody somewhere is lying. Who, exactly? I don't know. Whoever would be heartless enough to lie about the possible abuse of a little boy.

That's not my problem, though. Officially, I'm "satisfied". I don't know what really happened, and I most likely never will. I mourn the bridges that were burnt, but I acted as carefully and correctly as I knew how. I learned a lot through this process, and perhaps this whole rigmarole is information that somebody needs someday. That's the whole reason that I started this blog in the first place, years ago. In case somebody needed it.

This phone call today, the fact that it's been investigated and is now over, this should be good news to me. Instead I find myself sitting here and trying to remember how much optimism and faith I have in humanity.

A Phone Call

I received a call from the Assistant Superintendent saying that she was interviewing two teachers this week regarding Niko's alleged abuse in school. I appreciate the call, and I'm sure she appreciates keeping me off her back. We're moving forward.

Nina Luna

I had a nightmare about Nina this morning, so I'm quite happy that she has pulled herself up next to me to chatter. She's wearing a little teal dress and her hair is flying around her head like dandelion fuzz. I think she and I are going for a walk and maybe out to lunch while Big Brother Nikolai is in school. Nightmares are horrible, but one thing that they have always done for me is to make me appreciate life once I wake up.

A Perfect Weekend

We spent the evening at Luke's family's cabin. It was exactly what we needed! Nina played with her identical cousin, and Niko kept pulling Luke down to the creek to chase the cows. I drove the four-wheeler for the first time, and was advised not to shout out "Divot!" each time one came up. Apparently nobody needs to know about them except for me.

Also! I won this. I am very, very happy. Hooray!

:)

The Mercedes Song

Some people I know are putting together a playlist of everybody's theme songs. This is the one song that you think of when you think of yourself.

There's the rub, right? I have about four or five theme songs, but the Song Nazis demand that I narrow it down to one. This will actually require a bit of enjoyable thought. Right off the top of my head I think of "Under The Water" by Merril Bainbridge, or "Come Back From San Francisco" by The Magnetic Fields, but there are so many others. I have always wanted to ask people what songs remind them of me, and make a mix. It would be fun to see what other people associate you with.

Paula Abdul makes me think of Janyece, and the Cranberries make me think of '80. Creed is Riley, "I Know Him So Well" is Pypes. Everything old makes me think of Luke. "Have You Seen Her" by the Chi-Lights and "Red Rubber Ball" by The Cyrkle.

If you have a Mercedes song, let me know, would you? I might make that mix after all. :)

We Are Trained To Jump

So Niko's school calls me today, and tells me that I need to pick him up immediately. I have no car, and called several people before I found somebody to give me a ride. With Nina in my arms, I race into the office. He's not there. They tell me to go to the health office, so I'm thinking, "Oh no! He's with the nurse! Something is really wrong." So I race there. No Niko, but the nurse looks at my ID, gives me a Visitor sticker and sends me to his room. I have Nina on my hip, and I'm literally running to his classroom. I throw the door open and see Niko face-down on the floor. I nearly have a heart attack.

His new teacher is rubbing his back and says, "Shhhh, he's sleeping." Apparently during Music Time, which is when the teacher has her prep period, Niko had a diaper blowout, and the teachers and aids couldn't handle it. They freaked, and since they freaked, Niko freaked. So somebody runs for the teacher, and somebody else runs to call me. For a diaper incident.

"They scared me," the teacher said. "I thought he was choking, or something!" She said that she told them not to call me, but they already had.

The thing is, we are trained to jump. Any parent is, but you throw medical fragility in there, and suddenly everything goes into hyperdrive. "Come pick up your child" means that he stopped breathing, or something has broken inside. Somebody is going to explain this to these teachers, who simply aren't aware of the alarm that they cause.

Oh my lands. My heart nearly stopped.

Coincidence?

My father ended up in the hospital, but will hopefully be out soon. His nurse? Is that girl from my home area whose daughter has Williams. What a small, small, small world.

That's How We Roll

Niko's first day of kindergarten! He, like Pinocchio, is a real boy.

I sent him off in the depressingly bland school uniform that he's forced to wear. You know, to crush his spirit and imagination, and also so that he and his homies don't flash gang colors. He walked straight for the bus, climbed up in the seat, and there he was. He returned home victorious, without a call from his teacher. Until tonight, but she just wanted to ask a few questions after observing him for a bit. I'm so proud of him.

Meanwhile, Nina had precious, precious Mommy/Me time. At the doctor's office because of what I thought was an ear infection, but turned out to be *more* teething. That girl and her mawful of teeth...she's never done.

So now it's Monday night. I'm figuring out Audacity because I'm venturing out into the realm of submitting stories to podcasts. I found a site that will allow the author to read their own if they are A) accepted and B) of a high enough recording quality. I think that would be all kinds of cool. Niko and Nina are both lying side by side on the floor, watching Luke play Guitar Hero. Because that's how we roll.

Oh, yeah, and I write too.

Neverlands and Otherwheres just sent me the final proof to look over. We're good to go, huzzah!

So. I'm Afraid.

I enrolled Niko in his new school today. He starts kindergarten on Monday, and it's an all day special education class. That's right. All day. It starts at 8:00 and gets out a little after 2:00. I have mixed feelings about this. The first and strongest feeling is "My baby!" He's so little, and that seems so long. Especially since he's been having difficulty at school lately.

Difficulty at school. That's a polite way to put it.

That's my other fear. That's six hours every day that he could be hurt. Not that I think that will happen, but I didn't think that would happen before. I need a game plan. I need to figure out how I can be involved enough that I can watch over Niko, but not become one of those crazy psycho parents. "Hi, I'd like to join the PTA simply to make sure that you're not abusing my little boy. Who wants root beer?"

My understanding is that the investigation should begin this week or next. I am chronically nervous, and can't sleep at night. My faith in these people is...well, almost nonexistent. They have done very little to earn it.

I'm leaving soon to take Niko to the opthomologist for his lazy eye. This will be...yeah. Wish us luck. :P

On a happy note, my humorous horror officially made it through the first round. I was surprised and happy that the editors took the time to drop me an email and let me know, because usually you don't hear back until you're either rejected or have made the final cut. The anthology is called Dark Jesters, and I'm definitely going to pick it up whether or not my piece is included. Because I'm intrigued to see "humorous horror", and the editors are gracious, and courtesy invites courtesy. And I simply love to read, dear heavens, there isn't anything better.

No, Seriously.

A Mormon walks into a bar. She's dressed as an alien.

So the ET Midnight Moon Marathon was sensational. It really was. My parents came down to watch the kidlets, and Luke and I drove out to the Extraterrestrial Highway out by Area 51. We all met at the "Black Mailbox", and watched a lightening storm for a while. The marathoners started at midnight (congratulations, Luke!) then we drove up 13 miles for the halfers, and then the 10kers started at the Little A'le'inn, which was an endearing trailer/bar/restaurant combo. We were all wearing green glow-in-the-dark necklaces, and various other glowy things. Headlamps. Reflectors so that we weren't run down in the dark, and the like. Luke made alien faces out of reflecting tape, and I had two huge alien eyes peering out from my back.

This was a silent race. When it was time for the 10k to start, I was delighted to find out that the song playing was, appropriately, Concerning the UFO Sighting Near Highland, Illinois. It was such a bizarre thing, so eerie, to be running out in the middle of the desert with all of these bobbing lights running beside me. It forced my mind to be quiet. I was thinking the next song would kick it up a notch, but it was 02.20 Boy from Suicide Sports Club. Which I definitely suggest that you listen to on youtube or whatnot, because it's amazing. Imagine being in the middle of nowhere with strangers running silently past, and listening to this haunting song. I'd turn my light to the desert and I'd see all of these strange night time eyes shining back at me. I'll definitely be there again next year, that's for certain.

Sleep Threatens To Overtake Me...Get Back!!!

You know that I hate to fall asleep. I'm afraid of my nightmares, I'm afraid that my heart will stop, but mostly I'm afraid that I'll miss something important. It's always been that way. I wanted to write about Saturday night's run, but I'm too tired to do it justice. I guess I just popped on here to kill some time before I go to bed. A year ago I was in the hospital, and I suppose that I've been thinking about it, and it makes me sad but mostly grateful. I really try hard to appreciate things.

The house is silent except for some white noise. Everybody is asleep, so what would I possibly miss if I went to bed? I don't know. Something fantastic. A meteor shower, or the earth exploding, maybe. A phone call. Life.

I live!

Just barely. The E.T. Midnight Moon 10k (plus an extra four "supportive" miles) wiped me out, and the marathon nearly did Luke in. But it was an amazing experience that I'll elaborate upon later. This is how it'll begin:

A Mormon walks into a bar. She's dressed as an alien. No, seriously.

Happy Birth...

Well, Nina's birthday fell flat on its face, but the good news is that she's too young to realize it. I was a frazzled, panic-stricken wreck, completely overwhelmed by Niko pulling Nina's hair, by his head pounding, by his new hitting himself in the head while he cries. He's mean to his sister, and he's mean to me. I simply don't understand it, and it hurts my heart. I don't know if it's because he isn't sleeping, or because it's Luke's busy season and he's MIA right now, or if it's because it's summer and there is no schedule. I'm at a loss. Anyway, Luke got home last night and ran over to help our dear friends pack the truck for their move across the country, and didn't get home until midnight. That's right, on our daughter's first birthday. There was a lonely birthday cake and a lot of crying at our house, and it wasn't just the kids.

But that's in the past. Today we did immunizations, always a pleasure, and later tonight we're going to mow down Niko's wild hair. He looks like an orphan with it curling around his neck and ears like it does. So it'll be a day full of tears for Niko, but that seems to be the norm lately.

Tomorrow Luke and I run the E.T. Full Moon Midnight Marathon, only Luke will be doing the half and I'll be doing the 10k. I haven't ran in months, literally, but I'm still looking forward to it. Running down the road, mostly alone, in the dark sounds like something that I need right now. My race starts at 1:00 AM, so wish me luck.

I also saw that the school district is having a meeting on Monday that is open to the public. One of the things on the agenda is autism and special services, and although Niko isn't autistic, I think that I need to be there, if only to see in person the people that I have talked to. The people that let me down, if you want to be honest. I am determined to educate myself, and make sure that nobody can pull the wool over my eyes again. I really want to be able to adequately protect my son. No, I want to be more than adequate. I want to be stellar.

It's been a tough couple of weeks, and I have worked very, very hard to stave off the depression. Sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn't, but I have decided that the very act of trying to stand against it counts as a win. So this morning I got out of bed. I took a shower and combed my hair, and I'm doing the daily things that I need to do. I choose to see this as victorious.

Definition of Joy

Today is the first time in a long time that I have the chance to kind of kick back and enjoy the kids. Nothing on the agenda until tonight's Young Women's activity, so I'm cleaning the house and playing Tile Towers for Niko on Webkinz.com while Nina naps.

Princess Pretty Fingers has her first birthday tomorrow, and I think how much things have changed in a year. How did our family ever get by without her? She loves. That's what she does, and she's the best at it, and she loves her little heart out. We're so lucky.

Niko's having a positive moment right now, but his tantrums have been...wow. Like the tantrums of old, except with new twists. Now he's banging his head against things. The floor, people. He's started pushing and hitting. This is all new behavior, and I'm ready to pull out my hair. Is this typical learned behavior? Is there something more sinister behind it? That's what is wearying me lately, this constant looking over my shoulder to see if there is more that I should be aware of.

I finished my "humorous horror", and what's even better is that I like it! I submitted it last night. I'd like today to be a writing day, since I'm midway through a new novel, but we'll see how it goes. I had a writing epiphany the other day. I was reading about an author who's first novel became a best seller, and he was describing the fear that his sophomore attempt wouldn't do as well. And I thought, does that fear ever go away? Is there a point where you ever truly "make it" as a writer? And I thought, no, most likely not. But I genuinely enjoy the process. I love writing, I like when it comes easily to me. If it isn't coming fairly easy, then after a while I scrap it and work on a new, fun idea with a spark of life. I have the luxury of doing that because I don't have deadlines, I don't have contracts. This is a time of freedom for me, and perhaps I'll never publish anything beyond a few short stories here and there, but do you know what? I think that I'll be happy with that. The writing itself, the submitting and the like, it's just a joy. And what are we searching for if not joy?

Life Comes At You Fast. For Everything Else...

The emergency room bill came from our "Hello-has-our-son-been-abused?" trip.

Full skeletal x-ray to search for old/healing broken bones: $989.00

Other emergency room charges: $ 975.00

Total charges: $1, 964.00

Knowing that Niko didn't have old, unknown breaks? Priceless.

Anatomy of Niko's Heart

That's a picture of a heart.

Niko was lightly sedated, so he went drowsily ballistic yesterday instead of full-on combat mode. It still took three of us to hold him down, and they couldn't get a great look at his heart. Or a blood pressure, or an EKG. But from what they thought they could see (always reassuring) his function looks fantastic, and there's no blood where blood shouldn't be. Next time they're going to put him under a general anesthesia so that they he's completely out and they can get accurate pictures. I'd been begging them to do this for two years, but what do I know? I'm just his mother.

So Niko's particular problems are: 1)Severe aortic stenosis and 2) acute pulmonary blockages. Actually, I should say that those WERE Niko's particular problems. They have improved dramatically as he's gotten older. Still concerns, yes. Severe and acute? Not anymore. But we're keeping an eye on them, hence these mark-of-the-beast cardiology trips.

Let me show you what I'm talking about! I so ripped this off from the doctor's office yesterday. Teach them to leave me in a room alone. :P

I colored the aorta red. It's the largest artery in the human body, and sends blood from the heart to wherever it needs to go. "Stenosis" is basically a narrowing in the artery. So you can have your aorta with a little section of narrowing, and that would be aortic stenosis. Got it? Except in Niko's case, the entire aorta is narrow. They considered surgery when he was younger, but they didn't have a surgery to basically replace the entire aorta, is my understanding. But as he grew, the aorta grew as well. Lots and lots of prayer and blessings, I 'll tell you that. Niko was a pretty severe case beforehand. He'd lie down on the floor in exhaustion and his lips would turn blue.

I circled the pulmonary arteries with purple marker. Niko had a blockage in each artery, so the blood could make it through, but just barely. And now? They mysteriously disappeared. Again, I point to prayer and blessings.

I have a short summary of some of his medical problems in the entry titled "Blood Belongs In The Body". You can find it by using Blog Search in the top left hand corner.

Of course we're still concerned for Niko's health. We keep a great eye on him. But it's night and day from what it used to be, and that's what I want to stress for the people who are reading and struggling with their own child's diagnosis, especially if it's recent. The first year or two is so difficult! It's so very hard, and you're overwhelmed and simply can't wrap your mind around the things that doctors are telling you. But please believe me when I say that it gets better. When you finally get your feet under you, you'll hit the ground running. I never thought that Niko could have the life that he has. He's happy and active, he runs and plays and doesn't take any medicine at all. He eats, he sleeps all night. He has friends.

You are all going to be okay. And life will be beautiful again, only better because you'll have this amazing little mischievous creature. It'll be the way that it was always meant to be, and most importantly, you'll all be happy. :)

I know that sounds hokey, but it's true. Humans are amazing and we're adaptable, and one day we look back at something that we thought would kill us, only to find that it has become a mere bump in the road.

You're Awful. I love you!

I have my days all confused. I took Luke to work at 5:30 AM so that I could have the car for Niko's sedated echo...which is tomorrow. Whoops. So I get to dread it for another day. The sedation that they do here is really light, and it still takes all of my strength to hold Sweet Boy down while they try and get a good look at his heart. Everything in this town seems subpar. Luke is starting to look for a new job elsewhere, and all I can do is cheer. I hate this town, I hate this town, I hate this town.

So today is a pretty laid back day, and we've needed one. We made cookies that Niko won't touch, because he doesn't eat sweet things, and I'm writing a letter to the regional superintendent that I didn't get to speak to yesterday. I said, "The school police told me to speak to Mr. So-and-so regarding the abuse of my child in school" and I got routed around to everybody but him. I will be polite but firm. "This is going on beneath you. It is your responsibility and you need to know. Also, you need to be accessible to parents who need you." All of these people not being held accountable? Not taking responsibility? It boggles my mind. My mama taught me better than that. Why didn't theirs?

In other news, I ate clam chowder this morning with a fork because Niko has squirreled all of our spoons away somewhere. Nina says the best wide-eyed "Wow!" Luke's MIA because it's his busy season, but he calls home a couple of times just to check in, and I have 19 writing pieces out. I have more than exceeded my goal, and I'm really happy with that! My life is much fuller now that I'm writing.

My friend challenged me to write a "humorous horror". That's...a stretch. But I'm all about the challenge, so bring it on. She and I are equally competitive and supportive, and she's the fire under my feet. Her obscenity laden "congratulations" letter cracked me up and spurned me on. I'm so going to win.

My favorite song right now? "Love Me Dead" by Ludo. The Labyrinth references and the fact that he looks like my husband only accentuates the sweetness. This video is awesome.

Dance With Me.

The assistant to the superintendent admitted that somewhere along the way, they dropped the ball. It's a district matter now. She assures me, no, she PROMISES me that there will be a thorough investigation. She says it makes her sick to her stomach to think that maybe Niko was sent back to an abusive environment. My job here is almost done.

Scroll down to the playlist, and press The New Radicals "You Get What You Give." You and I, we're going to dance.

Right or Wrong?

I was a little too angry to write before now, but a few days of cooling off and I'm human again. I spoke to the principal on Friday, and received conflicting reports from him. He said that yes, there was disciplinary action taken against the teacher last year. When I asked for a report about that, he said that he couldn't tell me because of confidentiality. I said, "There were abuse allegations involving MY SON and you can't let me read the report because of confidentiality? It's my son! He's part of this! I had the right to be informed so that I have all of the information necessary to decide whether or not he would be in that same classroom. And I would have chosen to pull him from that class!" Then the principal assured me that the disciplinary action was for things BEFORE Niko, that Niko wasn't involved in it so he couldn't give me information on it. So, great. He's saying that the teacher was being disciplined for something besides yanking Niko around? That inspires confidence. And suspicion.

So this is what it comes down to. Either A) the investigation and disciplinary action last year DID involve my son, and the principal is lying about it for whatever reason, or B) he's not giving me a report because there was no investigation done concerning Niko. Either way, this is completely unacceptable. More than that, this is wrong.

This whole thing, it's really wearing me down. Which is the plan, I'm afraid. I have had to break it into little tiny steps, to prayerfully make my decisions. And this is the way that I'm looking at it now: is it right or wrong to follow through? Is it right or wrong to take Niko to the hospital? Right or wrong to file the formal complaint? Right or wrong to call the regional superintendent tomorrow? When I look at it that way, it isn't as hard. It's easy. It's right. Right to do these things, right to get this out into the open. If there is abuse reported and they're not looking into it, then there are dark things going on in these schools, and it needs to be brought out into the light.

My Brother Sent This To Me. It Makes Me Smile.

Attention, Parents:

The superintendent won't be in until Monday. Tomorrow is the Principal's first day back, and I'll finally have the opportunity to speak to him. The advocate said that in every nonverbal child's IEP we should write, "My child won't be able to tell me if there is abuse at school" under parental concerns. So that we have a plan in place. So that we have ammunition farther down the road. "I've been telling you that I'm concerned about this for FOUR YEARS," we can say. What an awful thing, but we're going to add it to his next IEP.

You know. For the next time that this happens.

Anyway, I've done all that I can do for the day. Nina is sleeping soundly, and Niko is jumping on the couch, grinning. I'm tired and worn and fighting off bitterness. I need to remember who we are, and we're more than this. We're not Williams Syndrome. We're not abused children. We are ourselves, and we are strong, and kind. And alive.

A Break In The Case, As The School Police Would Say

The school police were extremely fond of saying things like, "Hmm, sounds like this woman knows more than she's telling!" and "Sounds like this teacher is the key!" Life seems to be grand when you're playing Sherlock Holmes. It was equal parts endearing and frustrating.

I called the teacher who witnessed said abuse today, (for she was the key!) and she answered her phone. She had been up in the mountains for the last little while and couldn't get any reception up there. Imagine her surprise when she listened to her voice mail and there were messages from me. The police. The school. Whoever.

Niko's teacher was screaming at him, she said. Not just him, all of the kids. Grabbing them and yanking them around. Saying hateful things. She said you could walk by the classroom and hear the teacher yelling at the top of her lungs. Her aid was very good at keeping Niko away from the teacher, she said, which makes me think that he might have received more of it than the others. The teacher said, "I reported it to the administration last year, but they said that they were handling it and basically told me to mind my own business." She gave me the names of who she talked to.

Well. That puts a whole new slant on things, doesn't it? So apparently the administration was aware of this behavior before this teacher reported it. So how many people knew about this? More importantly, if it was such common knowledge, why didn't the school contact ME? Somebody is screaming at my son, yanking him around, and I blissfully send him to school with the exact same teacher for another year? I'm speaking with the superintendent tomorrow. I find that I have a lot to say.

These are the steps that I have taken, for those of you that might find this information helpful. First I tried to call the principal, but school was out for this month. So I called the district's public concern line (not helpful) who put me in touch with the person higher than her. (Also not helpful.) Then I consulted an attorney, who advised me to take Niko to the hospital to check for signs of abuse. The hospital released that information to the police, but I called Abuse and Neglect Detail anyway to file my own report. I am still waiting to hear back from them, but I was assured that they'll call as soon as they are able. I called DCPS. (Not helpful.) I called the school police, filed a report with them, and tonight I'm filling out an official complaint form that I received from the disabilities advocacy center. The idea, the advocate says, is to create a paper trail. So I am. I also called the region special education department and talked to them, and the school police gave me the name of the superintendent and told me to speak to him directly. So.

No media, and it isn't in my plans. I'd like to resolve this as peacefully as possible. Unless, of course, I find that I need it, and then I won't be afraid to scream buildings down if I need to.

That's only elementary, my dear Watson.

Tell It As It Is, Mr. Burke

"All that is necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing."
-Edmund Burke


My earlier feeling of elation has left me. I'm just tired.

I filed a report with the school police, as per my advocate's instructions. And soon I have three officers at my door, sweet, bumbling men who can't seem to grasp what I'm telling them. They have questions for me: do I really want to report this? Why don't I have proof? Why did I wait so long to report? They don't think it will be reported as abuse at this time. I don't have enough information. The usual response.

I think that it is simple. Somebody said the words "abuse" "school" and "Niko" in the same sentence. Look into it.

Isn't that all they need to know? You would think so. When did we become so apathetic? It's horrifying.

"Nikolai" Means "Victory of the People"

Finally, somebody with some answers! A member of the advocacy group called me back yesterday, and gave me all of the information that I needed. "Do this, and this and this," she told me. "You talked to the school district on the phone? Then this issue will not even be addressed." Really. I wouldn't have guessed. *sarcasm sarcasm*

So I was on the phone all day. Leaving messages with the school police, the metro police, and the regional special education people. That's what I'll be doing today, too, until I talk to everybody that I need to talk to. Plus people coming over today, and all of that regular life stuff. I wish that sometimes it could sit on the back burner indefinitely, but it can't and that's good, I suppose. It keeps us human.

My friend and I were talking about Niko, who was put on this earth for a couple of reasons. He is to be a catalyst, I think. He can help us make things better. He's here to teach everybody patience and to demonstrate what unconditional love is. I see him doing this every day. Whether he's here to help us or we're here to help him, I don't know. It's most likely both.

Nina learned to wave while I was gone, and she was shy and kind of angry with me when I returned. For about 30 seconds, and then she was in my arms, squirmy and huggy with her pigtails flying in the air like banners. Always like banners.

There's an air of triumph to this family, I just know it.

Me. I'm Back.

I got off the mountain late last night, and am readjusting to life in the city. This is a picture that one of the girls drew of me. I really like it. I have a bad habit of sticking out my tongue when people take my picture, apparently, but I can't seem to help myself.

More tomorrow, after a few phone calls.

I did it.

I did not make this decision lightly, but I felt that they had ample time and warning. I called the school today and gave the name of the teachers so that this matter could be fully investigated. And I was severely disappointed. When I again stressed how afraid these teachers were to come forward, the woman said, "That makes me suspicious of these teachers." I said, "No, that makes me suspicious of the school." She thanked me and promptly hung up. So do I feel like the school will investigate this properly? I most certainly do not. They are not my advocate. Their words make me feel like they're gunning for the teachers, and I don't trust them to do a thorough investigation.

I had much more to say, but wasn't given the opportunity. I wanted to tell them that the matter has been reported to the police, and that I have consulted an attorney. If I hear that somehow these teachers are given grief for their report, then I will call down fire from heaven if I have to. I'm going to call the school again after hours and leave a lengthy message, and then send a letter. I have to get all of this finished tonight, because I leave early in the morning.

The most important thing for you to know is that Niko and Nina are happy. They love each other and are fiercely loved by us. I'm moving this forward, but I know that I am doing so with the right spirit. This is all going to turn out for the best.

Some good news is that I'm published again. :) An online zine that I chose because they allow reprints, (I submitted Show Your Bones which was the first piece published in The Vestal Review) and I was charmed by both its enthusiastic name (Shine! A Magazine of Flash!) and its little fluttering butterflies on the first page. I do allow my whimsy to guide me. So look for that in October.

And these heels? Despite it all, I'm still me. :)

You Let Us Down

Child Protective Services doesn't take cases of teacher abuse. They suggest that we go to the school. Who will be so willing to help us.

So.

I called the teacher who's number I have, and she's not talking to me. I can either give their names to the school and most likely get them fired, or I can let this go. I also called an disabilities advocacy group, and they made me feel worse than ever.

No wonder the teachers were so afraid. There is no help for us.

The Earth's In Orbit

Besides this whole thing with Niko's school, I'm leaving on Tuesday for a week at Girl's Camp. That's right, Girl's Camp. I'm one of two leaders, and we'll have eleven girls. It's frustrating to leave right now, but on the other hand, perhaps it is a good thing. Five days without phones and electronics and distractions. Five days to be with my friend Cindy and these incredibly crazy and amazing girls. I am once again reminded that no matter what I am dealing with personally, life goes on. It's sweet and bitter at the same time. How dare the world continue to orbit while we're in crises? How fortunate that it does.

Brought To Light

I am completely furious. Want to hear why?

I'll tell you why.

Today we spent five and a half hours at the hospital getting Niko examined. Which was a pleasure, as I'm sure you can imagine. They looked for bruises, they checked his body. Since he has a high pain tolerance and can't speak, they did a full skeletal x-ray to see if there are any old broken bones that we didn't know about. Fingers, ribs. It made me want to vomit between my feet. Luckily, there weren't any. And his Happy-Birthday-Broken-Leg is almost entirely healed, so there's some good news.

I had to tell the story over and over. How she had told me last year to keep an eye on my son, and I didn't know what to do, how we looked but saw nothing, how we couldn't switch classes since it was so hard to get him into school in the first place. I am so ashamed about that, the fact that I was given a veiled warning and I didn't act immediately on it. I did my best, but my best wasn't good enough. Apparently. Maybe. I still don't know what happened, and I had to tell them that, too.

They called CPS to see what the status of the case was. And CPS had no record. Why? Because the teachers still haven't reported it. They're busy, they said. The hospital gave me a number and begged me to call and report it myself. Oh, you had better believe that I'm going to report it. And report it and report it to anybody who will listen, if I have to. I am absolutely fuming. I want these teachers to cover themselves. I care about their livelihood and their families, and I know that this district is looking for them. I realize that it would be terrifying to make a report, on a lot of different levels.

But here is where I stand. Without them, we have no case. And why would I protect somebody who will not protect my son? They can be court mandated to share what they know. Would they be protected that way? No. But would I turn them in to make certain that this situation is investigated fully? Yes. Yes. A thousand times yes. Of course it is a yes. If they don't report it by tomorrow evening, then I shall, pure and simple. I wish that they hadn't put me in this situation. It makes my heart hurt. But their opportunity was more than ample, and I am a mother first. I am ALWAYS a mother first!

My dear friend was telling me that it makes her cry to think that Niko is the one to bring this thing to light. I absolutely agree. The feeling, it's...indescribable. I could kill. I could literally tear this woman to shreds...if it's true. And perhaps it isn't; perhaps that's why these teachers aren't reporting. But we must act as if it is true, because if it is, then this woman needs to be stopped. I told my friend that I would rather Niko be the one that brings this to light rather than some kid six years down the road. I will fight for my son. He will be protected. I want to protect those that need it, and maybe the things that I'm learning right now will be useful to somebody else some day. Something else that was sickening? In the waiting room room I thought, "Wow, all of these special needs kids." The nurse later said, "I'm sorry you were here so long. We had four other people all come in at the same time, and their circumstances were quite similar."

I remind myself that these things are always brought to light eventually. Do I think that I can change the world?

Why, yes. Yes, I can. You just watch me.

Driven By Love and Not Anger

Truth be told, I don't want a lawyer. I don't want to scream, "I'm taking this to the media!" I want this investigated and over and done with. I'm not sure how likely that is, but we'll see. I am, of course, talking to them a little bit later today. We still have a lot to cover.

The advice that I'm getting from everybody is to lawyer up, to get the best lawyer that I can afford. And believe me, sometimes I'm tempted. Because it seems like being sued is the only thing that people can understand. It's all about the money. But I'm not in this for money. I don't care about money. I do care about little kids not being safe in school. By law they're supposed to be there, but somehow they can't or won't take care of their kids. It disgusts me.

The names of the reporters will forever remain anonymous, despite the school district's promise that they could figure it out using yearbooks. They reported it to Child Protective Services, which was the right thing to do. So they told their story, but their names are held in confidence, and the district won't find out who they are. And the investigation will be ran from CPS instead of the school. This is a win for all of us. It's truly the most peaceable course of action that I can think of.

Luke gave me a blessing last night. For those unfamiliar with that, it's something we do in our church where a priesthood holder puts his hands on your head and gives you promises and advice that comes from Heavenly Father. You don't have to be a member of our faith to receive blessings, and they are really just very calming and helpful. My blessing said to channel my love for Niko and have that be my guiding force when talking to people about this. And I really like that, love instead of anger. "Lawyer up" and "Sue the pants off of them" and "Use your anger to really shred that woman on the phone"...that is the advice that I have been given. It's vengeful advice, although it is an extremely desirable route. There is anger. There's a lot of anger, but I have to remember to conduct myself with grace and dignity because anything else might be detrimental to my son. And this is all about him and the other little ones. I'm trying to remind myself that the school shouldn't be my adversary.

Now if I could just remind them of that, as well. I'm quite afraid that they have forgotten.

Round One...Wait, Is This A Fight?

Here's the thing. I call the school because I am horrified beyond belief by the id ea that something has happened to Niko at school. And they didn't make it any easier.

The first woman I talked to sounded almost sarcastic at first. She kept interrupting me with all of these questions. "They didn't say what the abuse was? Where were these women when this conversation took place? What are their names?" Which I understand, but let's be honest. I'm a freakin' WRECK. I wasn't calling in anger, I was calling heartsick. Then it all became a "We need names we need names we need names" thing, to the point that I was afraid there wouldn't be an investigation without me somehow getting all of these names. When I said that, she was all, "No, I'll pass what information I have on, but I really need those names."

I understand that. It's tough to investigate without knowing who is making allegations. But it also had the eerie feel of a witch hunt. I was so angry that the teachers didn't stand up and report my son, but now I think that I can see why.

A few minutes later, a different woman called and asked for their names. I said that I didn't know, that my friend knew them but I didn't. She told me that they needed their names so that they could interview them quickly before they had a chance to get together and come up with...answers.

My son was lost in this. It felt like battle. Why does this school district always feel like battle?? I had to fight to get him admitted. I had to fight for them to accept them in his wheelchair. And now I have to fight for this. Why can't they just say, "Oh, how horrible, we'll look into it immediately"? How about a "Thank you for letting us know your concern?" I feel like I could bash my head against a wall. I'm angry at the thought of abuse, sad, disgusted, and then I feel bad about accusing Niko's teacher because I like her so well. And apologetic. I don't make waves; I smooth them over. That's the kind of person that I am, so this is very hard for me. On the other hand, I'll be hung if I don't stand up for my little boy.

But there is always light in the darkness, and let me tell you about this piece of light. We had the missionaries over for dinner last night, and one of them had found a broken laptop and asked if he could take the keyboard from it. So he shows up and dances it around in front of me. I'm missing 14 keys from my keyboard, for those of you who don't know. The fact that I can type at all is a testament to my strength of will. :P

But he spent an hour picking out keys that fit, and this morning I glued them on. Sure, I have three Alt keys and two C's, but I don't look at the keyboard when I type. I have all of my keys. I no longer have to shift with my right pinkie. I came into my room last night and nearly cried, because this was the kindest thing that anybody could have done for me, and I had needed it, and I truly remembered that we're never simply forgotten.

On Your Mark...

I'm getting my thoughts together before I call the school district. "Hi, remember me? I called two months ago when you wouldn't allow my son to come to school in a wheelchair." This is going to be worse. Much worse.

I'm still so angry that I can hardly see straight, and I'm also very sad and exhausted. But of course I can find the fire to fight for Niko. Of course.

And apparently he's not the only one. This makes me even angrier.

What kind of an environment do we have here, where three teachers all see a child abused and feel that they can't speak up for fear of losing their jobs?! They kept an extra eye on him, and they shouldn't have to do that. They should be able to point and say, "No!" and be protected. And on the other hand, wouldn't it be worth losing your job if it would save children? Little children. Special needs children.

There are no heroes here.

I'm still sick.

Quick. Hide Your Axe. I Could Use It Right Now.

So I just got a telephone call from a friend, who was talking to HER friend, who used to work at Niko's school. And Secret School Friend was telling my friend that I have grounds to sue when it comes to Niko, since they had seen action taken against my son that they would consider abusive. What was it? She wouldn't say. She's not the only one who saw it, but nobody is willing to come forward because they would all lose their jobs. It was a regularly occurring thing, she said. And I can't really report it because I don't have any proof.

Of course I don't have proof. I didn't even know anything was going on. How could I? Niko doesn't speak. He doesn't comprehend things like most of us do. And nobody spoke up on his behalf, so.

So.

I am amazed how detached I feel right now. It's that dead feeling, and I know that in a few minutes I'll get that surge of all-consuming rage. Horror and despair. I just called Luke, and he is livid. I could actually hear him seething on the phone. I'm feeling hate. A lot of hate. I'll have to figure out what I can do. I'm hoping this isn't true. I hoping they burn in Hell.

Please, somebody tell me what I should do.

Music and Rollercoasters, Continued

So what are we doing right now? Listening to John Wayne Gacy, Jr, of course. Niko is cuddled next to me on the couch, his soft cheek resting on my arm. Nina is snoring in her seat by my feet. Life...is pretty much perfect right now.

Music and Rollercoasters

"When the revenant came down, we couldn't imagine what it was. In the spirit of three stars, the alien thing that took its form..."

-Sufjan Stevens, "Concerning the UFO Sighting Near Highland, Illinois"


Niko's favorite song is "Concerning the UFO Sighting Near Highland, Illinois" from Sufjan Steven's "Come on, Feel the Illinois!" album. Because my son has remarkable taste. We used to play it in his room to help him sleep, and if "UFO" or "John Wayne Gacy, Jr" or "Casimir Pulaski Day" starts playing on our computer, Niko will drop whatever he is doing and come running. His leg is so much stronger, and his limp is better. What a relief. I'll say it again: what a relief. Anyway, the song is in my song queue at the bottom of this page. It's astoundingly beautiful; melancholy and ethereal. My favorite part is the squeak of the piano seat right before he leans forward to play. That's so human. I wrote my first novel to this album. I hear it and think of Niko, and also how lonely I was when I was writing. We had just moved to this awful, awful place, and had no friends. Nobody from the ward, nothing. I felt more included when we lived in Finland, and heavens knows we were alone there! But something good came out of all of that, didn't it? Of course it did. Because that is the way that things work, and it's beautiful.

I'm happy when Niko goes to school, because then I get to focus on Nina. I feel like she never gets the one-on-one time that Niko had with us. Two kids is hard, a permanent balancing act. I don't want to be all, "Niko's school, Niko's hearing, Niko's doctor's appointments." And I don't want to be all, "Nina's roly-poly cuteness, Nina's adorable dresses, Nina's babbling." My parents were sensational at making sure that Riley and I were both equal in everything, especially my mom. She took great pains at it. I don't know if I ever told her how much I appreciated it, but I did. But my kids, you throw the two of them together and they're happy. They like each other. A lot.

I asked Luke yesterday if we could drive to a town 45 minutes away to go play. Well, calling it a town is being generous. It has maybe five buildings and a terrifyingly rickety roller coaster with one of the biggest drops in the world. Pyper and I went on it in November last year, I still didn't have my heart problems under control, and partway through I began laughing maniacally. I mean, it was the craziest laugh that I have ever heard, and it was coming from me! She asked me about it later and I said, "I thought that I was going to die. Just then, I realized that I was still alive." You should see the picture we took after it. Not only had we just split the biggest burrito known to mankind, (delicious!) but we were windblown and both of our eyes were wild. It must have been the lighting, but to me it looked like my pupils were star shaped. I miss her. I wish that she lived next to me and we could do these shenanigans all of the time. Plus she gave me lip stain that looks like a vial of blood. This is why we're friends. :)

Oh, and road trips. I still promise never to tell, Pypes.

The 4th of July

My mom will tell you that I have always loved a parade. And I have always loved fireworks. I have my definite favorites: the explody silver kind that leave traces of themselves in the sky. They're absolutely beautiful.

Having a child with Williams changes all of that. Fireworks are much too loud, and we spend our time huddling in our house cuddling and singing familiar songs at the tops of our lungs to drown everything else out.

Our neighbors here are insane. It was 113 degrees today, and everything is parched and dry. The whooping, hollering, and shooting off fireworks is certainly a death wish, but here we are, celebrating the nation's freedom. And I'm really happy for that. As for us, well. We watched Lupin the Third and I held Niko on my lap and played youtube videos of puppies and kittens. He was extremely tense and his body quivered in anticipation of the noise. But he didn't scream and cry, and that was pretty sweet to us. Luke went to lie down with him now. I anticipate a very bad night.

I ran the video to the mail, hoping to catch a glimpse of some fireworks before I was missed. It smells like war out there. But I was lucky: I caught a glimpse of an explody silver one.

RIP PS2

This is the end of an era. You will be missed.

Running

The psych ward was, of course, the psych ward. Mildly draining, kind of taxing. While I was driving home, I hit a nail and the tire blew. I pulled into a parking lot and dug around in the trunk to find the jack and everything that I needed. I can change a tire, but not quickly, and it's a lot harder in the dark. I was thinking how vulnerable it is to be out there, bent over with your head down while you're concentrating, and just then some guys from the bar next door decided to come over and be friendly. And I don't want to be friendly. I decided to bail on the car and send Luke back to fix it, and I was close enough to home that I decided to just walk it. After a block or so, walking seemed like a waste of time, so I began to run.

This is what I have decided about running, because it's satisfying but not fun. Running isn't so that you can fit into your clothes or keep your muscles strong. Running is to help prepare you for a time when you find yourself stranded in the middle of a dark city, and you need to run home. Going for a run is emergency preparation. And I like it. I like hearing my own breathing in my ears, and feeling how naturally my body moves. We were born to run, and I think that we have forgotten how.

The Purpose of Adversity

So I'm going to visit one of the women that I visit teach tonight. She's currently living in a mental health treatment center, and you have to do the whole shebang in order to get in. Know the patient code. Flash your ID. Take off your belt, empty your pockets, nothing sharp in your hair, no stilettos, etc etc. This particular center also houses adolescent male sex offenders in a separate area. Which naturally flashes me back to my old job, and I remember how incredibly draining it was. I'm so glad not to be there anymore. Anyway, I'm going to give her the lesson that I gave to the Young Women on Sunday, about overcoming adversity. I also emailed the bare bones of that lesson to one of my best friends yesterday, because apparently I am the biggest dork in the universe. But I know that adversity makes us stronger and, more importantly, more compassionate. My friend's baby is in the hospital with a major heart problem right now, and I thought, "I understand. I understand, I understand." I think compassion is one of the greatest emotions on earth.

That said, I signed my contract for the short story yesterday. They get first North American Serial rights and exclusivity for a year, plus the right to use excerpts for promotion if they choose. I get $25 and a contributor's copy, and that's enough for me. I get to pull a book off of the shelf and say, "Do you want to hear a story that Mama wrote?" The thought alone makes me smile.

Niko's limp is absolutely obscene. His left foot turns all of the way out, but he's getting stronger, and I'm grateful for it. I can't tell you how his broken leg threw me! "It was gruesome," Luke said, but it was more than that. I'm prepared for the other things. Heart things and artery things and kidney/calcium/hearing/visual/ things. But I had never built up my reserves for something simply snapping. Now I have thought about it. Now I am prepared. I vow never to be thrown like that again.

Nina is a mama's girl. "Ma ma ma mamamma," she cries, crawling toward me and lifting up her arms. She's so beautiful. She's so fearless and lovable. She was worth everything that happened in order to get her here.

I've been working on a new story lately, and I like it. Apparently it's a novel, because I'm writing it in chapters, but it's unlike anything else that I have ever written. The main character is an incredibly sarcastic woman with...well, we'll call it a special "talent", and the two male leads are her legal assistant brother (Thanks, Birgit! I gave him your job!) and an ex-junkie with bland hair and beautiful eyes. It's writing itself, practically, and it's a pleasure to be along for the ride.

Know what I've been thinking about lately? Forgiveness. Repentance and change. People taking horrible things and somehow making them beautiful. I'm discovering how much I really believe in mankind. It's somewhat of a relief, actually.